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First, I’d like to once again congratulate you on voting me the President of this great chapter. This year’s election was even more difficult than last year, with the Fake Minutes Secretary and my opponent, Mushy Melvis Blinton trying to convince you that I wasn’t doing a good job. But their fake ways couldn’t stop our movement. Even with all the illegal voting by pledges, we still won by the greatest margin in history! The most impressive win ever.
We have been hard at work Making Greek Life Great Again over the past year. It is working so well. In fact, many people are saying that nobody needs to worry about anything. Our budgets are the biggest they have been in many decades, more pledges are being balled than ever before and GEED has been all but destroyed. Plus, sororities are coming to our chapter for date functions in record numbers. Slams! Slams! Slams! Even Smelly Buck Scrumer should be able to find himself a girl, but I don’t know. A lot of people say Smelly Buck has no dick, but I don’t know. Maybe he could ask Tiny Farco Pubio for some help with having no dick. Have you seen Farco’s feet? They look like a lawn gnome’s; that’s really small people.
It’s not all fun and Unicorn cum though folks, pledges who have not been properly hazed are still pouring over our borders to initiation in record numbers. This is a huge problem. We need a big, long beautiful Hell Week to stop these non-hazed pledges from entering this fraternity and poisoning it with their cargo shorts and bowl cuts. The pledges will pay for the Hell Week too! We must get Nasty Nationals to stop obstructing plans for Hell Week. Very unfair. Nasty Nationals doesn’t care about this chapter. They only care about letting pledges into this fraternity without getting into trouble. Such obstructionist losers. Must go nuclear and begin hazing pledges without them! I, as President, want people coming into our chapter who are going to help us become strong and great again, people coming in through a system based on merit. No more cargo shorts!
It’s also not looking good for our great risk management officers either people. Certain people don’t respect them anymore, not everyone, but certain people. We need to keep this chapter safe, and the only way to do that is to respect and support all of our wonderful risk management officers. Speaking of which; what the hell was going on in the chapter room last Saturday? So much destruction and violence. I heard an entire sheet of drywall was kicked in! The very corrupt Fake Minutes wants you to believe that the damage is caused by drinking, but we all know that drinking doesn’t cause damage, the person doing the drinking causes the damage. Losers. I will protect our RMs and make sure they are able to do their job. The only way to help our chapter!
Next, a quick word about my talks with Little Pocket Pussy Man of Nu Kappa. Little Pocket Pussy man is very scared of what this chapter would do to his in the upcoming intramural season. We will crush him with overwhelming force the likes of which fraternity row has never seen!He’s very afraid. Little Pocket Pussy man would rather peel his toe nails off, one by one, and use them as kindling to set fire to his own balls than to face me. I told Tex Trillerson, our wonderful Executive Vice President, that he is wasting his time trying to find a peaceful way to settle differences with Little Pocket Pussy Man, we must meet him with fire and fury!
I’d also like to address the Fake Minutes report saying I am too “unhinged” and “unfit” for the Presidency. WRONG. In fact, many people are saying that I am the fittest person to ever hold this office. My fitness routine is extremely rigorous; I walk to and from class every day and have a lot of missionary sex with very very beautiful women. You know they let you do whatever you want when you’re the president; read to them from picture books and rail lines of cocaine from their foreheads. Somebody please inform the Fake Minutes Secretary that I am the smartest and most stable man to be President ever. The very dishonest Minutes never cover how big our social budget is thanks to my policies. Always negative! Very Fake!
In all, my policies of Chapter First have been very beneficial for our fraternity. All our budgets have grown since I took office and will only keep getting bigger! The Fake Minutes and Nasty Nationals won’t talk about that increase, but the true brothers of this fraternity have never been richer. Many people didn’t think that level of growth was possible, but I knew it was! Now we just need Hell Week to keep all the non-hazed pledges out our fraternity! No matter the obstruction, we’ll get it done. We must remind all the chapters of this University that we are always going to be WINNING! Because we are going to WIN all the time! I’m looking forward to winning the future, and you should be too. Thank you, and may God bless this chapter. #MAGLA.