Gather around, kiddos. Grab your popcorn because it’s story time. A few years ago, I became the proud new owner of a retriever puppy. At the same time, I had started to play a little game of hide the sausage with this girl who had a great set of chest puppies. Now, normally I’m a pretty good talent scout. If it wasn’t for my passion for economic consulting, I would have become scout for some NFL team. However, my scouting report missed one glaring thing with this girl: she had a small dog.
I should have seen the craziness coming. It shouldn’t have come across as a surprise that she went completely apeshit when she saw a friend of mine posing with my new puppy on Facebook. I should have known that she’d track down that friend’s cousin on Instagram — despite both of them being private and having different last names — and find another picture, go batshit crazy on me, ask why I’d do this to my girlfriend (didn’t even know we were dating tbh), and demand to go through my phone. I kicked her to the curb.
This event is not uncommon for girls who are small dog owners. In fact, I’ve done some hard research over the past few days. Instead of crunching numbers, I was crunching data about my past flings and ranking them on the crazy scale. I then had to do some social media creeping to see who had dogs, what kind of dogs they had, and what their dog’s name was. The conclusion I found was that: girls who own smaller dogs are the craziest while girls who had bigger dogs tended to be on the chiller side. See this graph I drew:
As you can see, there is a direct negative correlation to the size of the dog and the craziness of a girl. This information is key for helping you find the perfect girlfriend. When you’re looking for a stable, possibly vanilla relationship, then you’re going to want to be sitting on the meaty portion of the girls owning large to extra large size dogs. These girls tend to be one of the boys and are easy to get along with. They’ll willingly watch sports, drink beer, and eat pizza with you. This, of course, can be a bad thing as they don’t tend to have the greatest self-awareness of their health.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, you have the girls who own the toy dogs that sit in their purses, dressed up in dresses and other girly shit, and have stupid names like “Princess.” These are the type of girls that turn out to be amazing in bed. They’ll rock your world and make you want more. Be careful, though. Kitty has claws just like her little yapping dog and could puncture your back, light your stuff on fire, and drain your bank account.
The perfect, happy medium a guy can have? A girl with a medium to large sized dog. Think like Border Collie or Golden Retriever. These girls are hot enough to take care of themselves, but also not high maintenance enough to drive you to drink.
It all comes down to the bell curve of dating. It’s just not worth it to keep a girl with a small dog around. Go get you a good girl who owns a golden puppy..