We’ve all been there before. You’ve sealed the deal, gotten her back to the house, and had your fun. Everybody wins. Her clothes are on the floor and you just want a fucking sandwich. We all know what’s coming. The inevitable shacker calling card. “Can I have some shorts and a shirt to sleep in?”
You have mere seconds to make some very important decisions. First, is she worthy of a sleepover? This analysis should be conducted quickly, even in your waning drunken stupor. If she passes the sleepover worthiness test, then you must quickly make another very pivotal decision. Which shirt are you going to relinquish to this girl? There is a concrete, yet not scientific, hierarchy of shirt selections before you, ranging from the shirts they were passing out on campus that one day, to your most prized frat tee. Choose wisely.
The Campus Giveaway Shirt
You scored this shirt while aimlessly walking through campus your first week of school. You have no emotional connection to this shirt, and you honestly forgot you even had it. It has some corny ass saying about your school, and shrunk like a motherfucker the first time you washed it. This is the shirt that you are literally trying to give away, and you hope she accepts it, but every fraternity man knows that it’s part of the shacker bartering system that they gave you their best in the bed, and they want your best if they are staying over. So unless this is a lower tier sleepover slam, this coy move is unlikely to prevail.
The Community Service Shirt
These shirts are made solely to remind you that other than raging 25-hours a day, 8 days a week, you notched out some time to give back to your community. While looking at this shirt you wonder why you even have it, and you think “I paid for this goddamn thing? Why would I want to be reminded that I picked up trash on the highway, and more importantly, why would I want to broadcast that action on a shirt?” But time is of the essence and these questions can be answered later. Good luck giving this one away because chances are she doesn’t want it any more than you do.
The Social Shirt
You think this may be a wise play — give her a shirt she already has, and she won’t be inclined to walk out the door with it. This is a slightly bolder move, but still weak, because the sorority slam knows what she is doing and she won’t settle. Part of you would prefer to get rid of this shirt. It was from the rave social where you wound up finding your perfect beer pong follow through at the house pre-game, winning thirteen straight games, taking more shots than you have fingers and toes to count, dancing with the DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) in the corner, and falling asleep with your pants around your ankles and shoes still on. That shirt reminds you of several good, yet embarrassing stories. You begin to get nostalgic and hesitate to give her this one. No worries, there are still some choices out there.
The Formal Shirt
This shirt is from last year’s formal. Damn, those were some good times. Your actions along with your brothers’ and their dates’ got you banned from the city of Savannah. The chapter caused more damage to that hotel in three days than Motely Crue could have initiated in a hotel room in the ’80s. Outside of this shirt, you really brought nothing back from this trip except an empty wallet and a perpetual hangover. But if having sex in the hotel hot tub means getting banned from a city, I’d say it was worth every minute of it. FYI, if you try to captain a riverboat you will get arrested. OJ made a quicker get away in the white Bronco. You can’t part with this shirt; you hide it quickly and take it off the table.
The “Other” Sorority T-Shirt
This is possibly the most dick move you could pull. Toss her a rival sorority’s t-shirt and watch the fireworks like on the 4th of July. She’ll undoubtedly get pissed, especially if it’s from her hated personal rival’s 2009 formal where your current slam asked you to hers and you deferred for the open bar and buffet style dinner. A man’s got needs, and they were all satisfied that night. This is quite a bold move, but one that is worth testing just to see where you stand. If she takes it, gladly let her walk out of the house with it adorning her body the next morning. You’ll get this tee back in no time (washed and perfectly folded of course).
Your First Fraternity Shirt
This shirt was the first in what would become a collection rivaled by none. You have more shirts than you know what to do with, but this one holds the most prestigious place in the hierarchy. You received this shirt when you got your bid. You remember it like it was yesterday. You threw this thing on and proceeded to shotgun five beers in succession with your newfound fraternal pride. Later that night you would get a blowjob in the chapter room, and endeared yourself to the brothers almost immediately (you still got shit on as a pledge, but shitted on less than your pledge brothers for this move). You say, “I can’t give this one up, it wouldn’t be right,” but the 9 lying half-naked in your bed leads you to make a decision while thinking with the wrong head. You think if you give this one up you may get round two with the BJ to finish. After a thorough cost-benefit analysis, you decide to throw her your pride and joy. You tell yourself you’ll get it back, but know deep down that as soon as she catches this thing you’ll never have ownership over it again…
You wake up the next morning, head pounding, only to see your slam walk out the door with your beloved cotton made memory. You hope to see it again, but realize all hope is lost. So you do what any fraternity gentleman would do: you travel to your pledge brother’s room next door and take his 2009 Kenny Powers Rush Shirt. You’re fucking in, and he’s fucking out!