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The Seven Friends You See Back Home

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1. The Pretentious A-Hole

What the fuck is this guy’s deal? Like you, he has the attitude that he’s better than everyone else. Unlike you, however, he can’t back it up worth shit. This douche decided to become a grade-A hipster in college and goes around talking about how he signed up for Obamacare and says things like, “I only listen to live music recordings now; I just think electronic sound editing molests the essence of the performance.” I’m sorry, what? Who says that? Did he get molested or something? He was so cool in high school, but now it takes every fiber in your being to keep yourself from giving him a swift uppercut just to shut him up.

2. The Quiet One

You haven’t actually heard him say more than four words at a time since 8th grade. As a matter of fact, you’re not sure if this guy even graduated 8th grade. But he was one of your best friends for some reason, and you’re obligated to check in with him while you’re in town. Over the years he’s been listening to you and your friends talk about your darkest secrets, and you’re pretty sure he’s going to explode one day and tell the world about that one time in your cousin’s basement.

3. The Married One

This guy has been blowing up your Facebook timeline for years with pictures of him and his girl. Ever since he got the gumption to propose to her at the ripe old age of 20, she’s always been at his side. He can’t go anywhere without her tagging along, so you can forget about reminiscing about the trouble you got into in high school. She’s always there to judge you, and you can’t say a damn thing because your friend is stuck with her for life…or, you know, until their inevitable divorce. As far as you’re concerned, they can just go ahead and have a kid or two and start their slow, miserable spiral towards death while you leave them behind.

4. The Ivy Leaguer

There were a couple of people from your graduating class that deserved to go to Ivy League schools, but this guy wasn’t one of them. By some miracle, Dartmouth admitted him and his 2100 SAT, and he’s never let you live it down. This guy has walked around like hot shit ever since he got his acceptance letter in the mail and quite honestly deserves to be taken down a few pegs. Now that you’re both separated by a thousand miles for a good majority of the year, you might as well let your drunken self start something the next time you see him at the bar.

5. The Goober

Why exactly were you ever friends with this kid anyway? Sure, he was a little different in high school, but you don’t remember him being this bad. After graduating, he decided to live at home and attend the local college. That in itself is OK, but these days he can be seen riding his Razor scooter around campus, wearing his bowtie and monocle. It’s gotten to the point where you’re embarrassed to be seen with him anywhere in town. So you’ll just quietly dodge him the entire time you’re back and pray he doesn’t text you or tag you in some stupid Facebook post while you do so.

6. The Girl

You’ve become sexually acquainted with a few of your old classmates over the years, but this one is different. The two of you can go to the bars and hang out; you actually enjoy spending time with her. Or so you thought. This time back you’ve noticed something different. You’ve begun to realize that she is, in fact, plum fucking nuts. She’s gone through five different boyfriends in the past two years, all the while accumulating a few dozen pounds and a strong affinity for UV Cake. Time to cut your losses and leave this degenerate before she sucks you down with her (and not in the good way).

7. Your Main Man

Finally someone you can get along with. The two of you will try your best to enjoy your time home, because in all likelihood, this could be the last time you see each other in person for a while. So enjoy your drinks, reminisce on the good times you had in high school, and try not to get too sentimental saying goodbye. And remember that the worst day on campus is better than any day back home.


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