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The Secrets To Improving Your Game With Girls, From A Female Perspective

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One of my favorite pastimes is listening to my guy friends’ failed sexual conquests. Although the names and situations have changed over the years, one factor always remains the same: Guys are absolutely clueless when it comes to flirting. However, instead of the problems you used to face in high school (such as being the socially awkward dweeb who couldn’t say “hey” to an attractive female without stuttering), now your problem is the exact opposite: You talk to girls too well.

You know what to say to get in a girl’s pants because you know what we want to hear. The only problem with your “tried and true game plan” is that you’re basing that knowledge off of the girls that you ultimately don’t want. How do you know when you need to send a girl packing before you ever let her find out where you live? They believe your bullshit lies too easily.

Sure this makes the chase easier, but then they end up clinging to your dick like your jizz is a cure for their crazy. And at the end of the day, being boycotted by her just as bat shit insane sorority sisters isn’t worth the almost three minutes of mediocre sex. You call her a crazy bitch, she calls you an asshole, and at the end of the day, no one wins.

I’m not saying stop lying to girls because that’s never going to happen. I’m saying when you lie about something that could not possibly be true, every sane girl won’t believe it. People lie all the time; that’s part of the hookup game. Honestly, we wouldn’t survive without it. But there becomes a point where it goes too far.

For example, it’s definitely a good idea for you tell a girl her communications major sounds “really interesting,” or that you’re “really busy so you don’t have that much experience socializing with her sorority” — when in reality you’ve made your rounds in every pledge class. This is all considered “reasonable lying” and is to be expected, just like when she tells you she doesn’t mind giving blow jobs or that you’re only the fifth guy she’s slept with. You know, the lies that you prefer to hear.

But when you say things such as “you’re as beautiful as a model” when she’s barely pushing a soft 7, or that she’s the only one in her friend group you’d even consider sleeping with, you’re fucking yourself over. Every logical girl, or any girl who truly doesn’t want to be in a relationship, is immediately creeped out.

Ultimately, this leaves behind only the girls who actually believe it. Those girls include the girls who were in a committed relationship for their entire time in high school, have super conservative parents, or just very recently got skinny. They’re naive and desperate for male attention, rendering them a vulnerable and easy target.

This also means they have about a 100% chance of burning your stuff and referring to you as their asshole ex-boyfriend who lied about her being special, when, in reality, you never even dated. The girls who want to be treated like a girlfriend are the girls who want you to be their boyfriend — no exceptions. Go out there and conquer, but for the love of God, stop putting your dick in crazy.

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Blondie is a contributing writer for TSM despite the numerous requests of her termination. She excels at being an underachiever and is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at

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