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The first rule, I guess, should be, “Don’t literally puke while you’re standing at the actual, physical bar.” That would seem like it goes without saying, and the kid who paused in the middle of our conversation a few weeks ago to knock back a shot before immediately puking that shot as well as a whole lot else up at my feet while I sipped on my drink and took a quick but casual sidestep can be forgiven for not observing that seemingly obvious rule. He was 18 and an incoming freshman at UT. This might have been the first bar he had ever been in.
I assumed that this was also definitely going to be the first bar he was ever kicked out of as well, and that our conversation – he and the UT fraternity member he was with and being rushed by had said hello while I was ordering a drink – would be cut short.
But by some miracle absolutely no one saw him do it. By “no one” I of course mean no one who worked at the bar, because dozens of other people saw him and exclaimed things like, “Oh Goddammit” and “What the fuck!?” while they were scattering away as he fire-hosed Taco Bell, pizza rolls, a whole bag of Skittles while high, and whatever else 18-year-olds eat with impunity, all over the floor in front of him, with literally no regard for anyone. It was actually impressive how calmly he decided to just up and puke right there. His decision making process on puking was basically, “Whoa, that shot didn’t go down so well. Time to do this now.” He might have actually shrugged before getting to it.
Oh, and he was wearing a Rowdy Gentleman shirt too. It was perfect.
That obvious rule aside, here are some general guidelines I came up with in case anyone else is confused about when and how to purge your most recent mistakes from your body while out on the town.
1. Don’t Puke At The Bar
In a fraternity house? Fine, whatever. It can take it. It’s tough. It’s been there. It’s seen some shit. If a fraternity house’s walls could talk, that would mean the walls had mouths, in which case they’d probably puke too.
But don’t puke in the bar, for the love of God. You’re in an at least sort of adult setting. Even if it’s a debauched setting, removed from civil society, such as Bourbon Street, that’s what the street is for.
I’m a hypocrite for writing this, of course, because I’ve definitely puked at a bar before. It’s incredibly rare that I throw up from drinking, but I have thrown up at a bar within the past year, I’m ashamed to admit. I especially felt like an ass because I wasn’t even that drunk when it happened. The shot just went down wrong, trouble brewed quickly, and I had to book it to the bathroom at a bar in Columbia (I was back in town to watch Georgia treat my Tigers the way dentists treat lions).
Because I had spent the earlier part of my day eating CJ’s Wings, and drinking the peach colored and flavored Tiger Paw/Silver Bullet from Trops, what came out of me and all over that stall was pure neon orange. It was a legitimately disturbing, unnatural sight. It looked like somebody repeatedly stabbed Orange-y, the Syracuse Orange mascot (I assume that’s that dumb stress ball’s name), and he bled out on the toilet. I quickly left that bar and do not plan on returning. It’s a self-imposed and deserved exile of shame. I sincerely apologize to whoever dealt with that.
2. Swallow It
Own your mistakes you pathetic bastard. It’s not anyone’s fault but yours that you ripped ten Fireball shots during the pre-game because you thought you were a BIG MAN. If you feel a dangerous rumble come on then you shut your mouth like a lady standing near Oklahoma running back Joe Mixon should, contain it, and shove it back down where it belongs. Puking at the bar is like ordering seafood at Applebee’s, your own bad choices led you here, and now you have to stomach them.
3. Use The Bathroom
This is the obvious answer, but there are still rules. If you puke in the sink or, God forbid, the urinal, you’re a filth monster. Go home. This is what the trashcans and stall toilets are for. And don’t worry, you don’t have to stick your head in the toilet, or even aim well. Bar bathroom stall floors are already Rorschachs of human fluids, all of which look like regret, so no one is going to blame you for your total disregard for accuracy (except the people who work there, they want you to die.)
4. NEVER At The Table, Or In Your Pitcher Or Cup
Grabbing a pitcher, or even worse, a cup that probably can’t handle the full volume of your misery, and yakking right there at your table or in the middle of the bar makes you look like an incontinent. “Sorry about Steve, you guys, he was recently exposed to high levels of radiation and all his bodily functions are shutting down. He’s pretty much leaking 24/7.”
In college I watched a girl out on her 21st birthday grab a pitcher and fill it halfway with all her night’s revelry to that point before shamelessly leaving it on the table as she and her friends hurried out of the bar. It sat there for thirty minutes. It was a pretty sad sight. If she hadn’t been attractive I would’ve been totally disgusted. (I feel confident in saying that if I saw an attractive woman mug somebody that wasn’t a more attractive woman, I wouldn’t report the crime. There is little that is good about me.)
It was, though, admittedly funny to watch people subsequently claim her abandoned table, come to the horrifying realization of what exactly was sitting on that table, and see their faces twist into an expression that exclaimed, “No. OH GOD NO” and then get up as quickly as they could.
5. Don’t Remember It
If you’re going to act like an asshole, you might as well commit..