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The Reasons Your Girl’s Not Slobbing On Your Knob, From A Female’s Perspective

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Oral sex is a staple of any healthy relationship. Although I have never personally had a leftward sloping penis, I can at least sympathize with those who do. Particularly with the good men who have entered into relationships with girls who think locking down a man means no longer having to give a sloppy beej. In an ideal relationship, every sexual experience would be passionate, giving, maybe even “amazing.” But in reality, we’re lazy AF. If you’re struggling to get your girl’s sexual performance back to where it was before she had the peace of mind that you could go get it from someone else, here is a look into several reasons why she’s no longer down to choke down your hog.

You’ve Developed A Beer Gut

It’s no secret that girls get wet over a nice six pack. I myself have a hard time looking at washboard abs without trying to find a way to lick tequila off of them. Not too long ago, some asshole tried to convince the college masses that “dad bod” was a thing. Thus began the sexual dark ages. Think back to what your belly looked like at the beginning of your relationship. Does it really look the same? The truth is no girl wants to be eye level with a stomach crease. God forbid you tell us to deep throat your lowhang and we physically can’t because your gut is in the way. If you want a girl to be in the position where she’s staring at your lower abs, give her something nice to look at.

You Don’t Trim

We get it. You’re such a man. You’re also a prick. I understand not wanting to chop it all off in fear of looking like an altar boy, and in all honesty, bare dicks are fucking disgusting. It straight up looks like a dying snail out of its shell. That being said, ALL penises are disgusting. Based on looks alone, they have no business being near your girl’s pretty face. So when you add in the obstacle of having to hack through a forest… well, why should she put in more effort than you do?

You’re Dick Is Too Big

This is what every guy wants to believe. Chances are if your girlfriend is throwing this excuse at your four inch wonder, she’s a damn dirty liar. However, if you are the owner of a monster donger, leave her the fuck alone. That’s just being a sadist, and that’s not cool. Remember that guy that had to defend himself in court because his dick allegedly murked his girlfriend? You don’t want to be that guy. Get yourself a porn star in training or accept the fact that a life with blowies is not the life God has intended for you to live.

You Taste Bad

No amount of love is strong enough for a girl to overlook the rank of ball cheese. If you’re trying to better yourself at the gym, have the common decency to take a fucking shower. Or, at the very least, sink wash your meat before she comes over. Give it a little spritz. There really is no greater disrespect than sticking your stink stick in a girls face and asking her to taste it.

You Can’t Stand Still

Not every girl can deep throat. But more importantly, not every girl can deep throat every time. We have all been in the situation where we’ve been too drunk to fit your whole dick in our mouths without puking. That’s just the way it is sometimes. Instead of being grateful that she’s doing the best she can under the circumstance, y’all just go rogue and start thrusting. Stop. Let her do her thing, asshole. She is well aware of what you want without you pushing the back of her head down like an animal.

You’re Gross When You Ask For It

A good rule of thumb when it comes to sexcapades is that everything that turns you on when she does it, turns her off when you do it. For example, do you like her O face? Well, she’d rather get a full view of your taint than catch a glimpse of your vinegar strokes. This is also true in regards to being vocal. You probably think it’s hot when she begs you to fuck her harder. But for her, an unsolicited “suck my cock” can make her stomach turn. If she asks what you want, by all means answer honestly. Otherwise keep your suggestion courteous.

You Don’t Give

How’s living your life as an entitled piece of shit? It’s all about the give and take. The number one way to get your girl in the mood to get you off is to get her off first. Like, duh.

Image via Shutterstock

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Blondie is a contributing writer for TSM despite the numerous requests of her termination. She excels at being an underachiever and is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at

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