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The Pussification of America Has Nothing on Sweden

There are many Americans today who complain about what people call the “Pussification of America.” Generally I’m not one to argue with them. Things like children being encouraged to stay away from contact sports, or worse, given participation trophies even if their team was a sad, bumbling collection of last place fatties, is a complete joke. In my day if you won a game your parents gave you orange slices and Capri Sun. If you lost? The parents drank the Capri Sun in front of you, put the oranges in a sock, and beat you mercilessly until you understood that losing was for the French. But for every American child who has his loser tears wiped away with a Certificate of Good Effort there’s a foreign kid ribbon dancing past him to the pussy finish line. Chances are that kid is a Swede.

In Sweden a politician, who happens to be a man by the way, is trying to pass a law mandating that all men SIT DOWN when urinating at the local county council building. The politician, Viggo Hansen, submitted the proposal pointing out that sitting down to urinate is more hygienic and that many experts believe it reduces the risk of prostate trouble. Hansen also claims that sitting down to pee contributes to a longer and better sex life. This isn’t the first “men should pee sitting down” campaign in Sweden either. There is a common saying that teachers tell young boys in Swedish daycare before they go to pee, it goes like this: “be a sweetie and take a seatie.”

I’m not even Swedish and I’m offended on behalf of Swedish men. If the Nazis had set out to oppress penises, “Be a sweetie and take a seatie” would have been their banner propaganda campaign. I’m convinced that Viggo Hansen is a eunuch. Why is he so worried about hygiene anyway? I thought Sweden was a relatively clean country. What would Hansen’s reaction be if you showed him the men’s room at a truck stop? You know, the type of place so filthy that you actually hope all you’re stepping in is urine.

As far as prostate trouble goes, I’ll say this: I don’t want an unhealthy prostate. That said, I won’t start worrying that much about my prostate until it becomes unhealthy enough that some guy is sticking his hand up my ass every week. At that point, yeah sure, I’ll sit down to pee or do anything else required to end routine medical fistings.

In a country where men are LITERALLY BEING EATEN BY PACKS OF RAVENOUS WOLVES you would think that the Swedes would want to toughen up their male population. At this rate as soon as the wolves find out about the men sitting down to pee they’ll probably cultivate their taste for human flesh and rise against man. Being cunning animals I’m sure they’ll wait to strike their targets until they’re seated on the toilet, vulnerably peeing like a lady. Then the wolves will descend. Eventually all Swedish males will be wiped out and wolves run the country, and that’s the story of Wolfenstein… wait… I got lost, sorry. Anyway, at least American men don’t pee sitting down. It’s sort of hard to believe that Swedish men have sex with Swedish women.

[h/t to @kinseyyyyy]

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