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The Porn That COULD Happen

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(Fade in)

Scene: Large, opulent southern California mansion. Big busty woman, in a robe, sits idly on couch. She wears an expression of irritation. Something is clearly taking longer than expected. Then, a knock on the door. Big busty woman, in a robe, walks towards the door.

Big busty woman: (Opens door. Puts hands on hips) “Where the fuck have you been, pizza delivery boy? I ordered this pizza, a large, single entrée, sausage pizza, over an hour ago…

Pizza delivery boy: (Speaking in a brutal Spanish/Mexican accent) “I sorry. I get lost. Here is your pizza.”
(Pizza boy opens box. Penis has penetrated both the box and the deep dish pie.)

Big busty woman: (First appalled. Then intrigued. Now naked.) “Come inside. Throttle me, pizza boy.”

That introduction is an example of porn that typically will not occur, unfortunately.

Most of the porn we watch — and I’m assuming you’re a normal dude and crank down at minimum bi-daily — won’t ever happen. It’s sad, and disappointing, and hopefully one day we live in a world where your father working late is reason enough to slam his wife, but as of now, it’s just not realistic.

There are a few instances, though, in a couple different settings, where the shit of Brazzers can be yours. I’ve done extensive research, leaving my comfort niche of the “unfaithful milf,” and I’m now certain that in the right situation, we have a chance. I may be too optimistic about the potentiality of all this, but when concerning porn, why would you be anything but optimistic?

So, here are the five scenarios where porn has a chance to be real:

Naughty America (Tonight’s Girlfriend Collection): Okay, this is simply having sex with a hooker in a hotel. She will not be a famous porn star and she will not have the figure of Rachel Starr. But, if you pay enough or contact the right people, she will be attractive. Prostitution still is illegal, though, so probably best if you just open the laptop and put on the sock if you’re really craving a hotel/motel hookup. Just know that this option is available, if you want it bad enough.

Pornstars Go to College: Unless you have a significant bankroll in the fraternity — and, as a group, collectively possess zero fucks about house repercussion — three famous porn stars are not coming over to rock the pledges. It won’t happen. It shouldn’t happen. But if you and a best buddy meet two female best friends, shit can get weird. Three best friends meeting three other best friends is nirvana.

This obviously needs to be consensual and of the sober temperament, but cool stuff can happen amongst best friends. College is about experimentation and growth. The videos online at least get that right. If per chance Kendra Lust does happen to show up to your house with a friend, obv you embrace that moment.

Personal Trainer: Now let’s be immaculately clear: You are not going to force insertion over a medicine ball while stretching your lady client. She may be throwing you do-me vibes but that is still rape and you will still go to prison. If you are a decent looking cat, though, and you’re a trainer, chances are some of your clientele will be attractive. Chances will get smaller, but there are still chances of a locker room or parking lot smash post workout — at minimum a number exchange leading to in-home-training.

If you are just a regular dude at the gym or rec center, don’t force the issue by disrobing or showing brain. That doesn’t work like it does online. But if she is only doing bent over rows in front of you, and nothing else, take it as unspoken language that she is trying to get stuffed. Basically, look for more openings in the gym. Hormones are flying and people are active. Just, and again this is unfortunate, don’t try to force the issue on site — squat rack or treadmill. Take it to the crib.

Professor-Student: Go for the TA. Watch porn or Lifetime movies if you want to see the teachers do the students. The Teacher Assistant wants it in the same way you do and at this point they aren’t really worried about career or reputation. This can and will happen.

Best Friend’s Little Sister: If you’re a dirtbag, this is the most realistic scenario. Your best buddy’s little sister probably won’t be wearing a plaid skirt and pig tails, but she very well may be horny. This is a passive recommendation, because bro-code is real, but porn actually has the set-up completely right.

After the bar, or party, when your buddy passes out, go back to his crib and hang with little sis. Make a few subtle jabs about your new job post-grad, comment on her maturity, season three of Friends, and it’s over. You just fucked your friendship and its little sister.

Image via Shutterstock

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bdiddy27

I like beer, athletic competition, telling my friends "she is crazy" but really blowing her up, and writing.

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