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The Origin Of The Pledge

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This program was made possible by contributions from: The “Try The Dirt Road” foundation, The Mike Hawk estate, in loving memory of Mike Hawk, the DSL Conglomerate, and from readers like you.

Where do we come from?

For millennia, the greatest question in the history of man had no answer. But as with any challenge placed before humanity, it was attacked with a fervor representative of the true potential of the species. For centuries, the greatest scientific minds man-kind had to offer searched for a clue to our origin, their efforts serving as the kindling that would ignite a scientific revolution on the subject. Eventually, from the tiniest fragments of the past, the story of humanity’s journey into existence was pieced together. Three million years of progress and development were finally uncovered.

However, lost among this great surge in knowledge of man-kind’s beginnings, were the scientific discoveries made in the genesis of the Homo-Sapiens’ irritating, more feeble minded sister species: the Homo-Pledgus. While not nearly as impressive or accomplished, understanding the evolution of the Pledgus is integral to comprehending the truly astonishing strides humanity has made since its onset. Thus, this is the story of the Pledgus’s emergence.

Homo-Pledgus did not so much rise from the primordial muck as it was rather vomited from the earth. A foul and filthy creature, the Pledgus is thought to have reached maturity somewhere between 18 to 20 years of age. Maturity, of course, a term of relative meaning when concerning a Pledgus, as a fully grown Homo-Pledgus was only capable of bashing its head against rocks and foraging for small drops of dip spit, its primary source of food. Incredibly dim-witted and incapable of memorizing even the simplest interview, the Pledgus existence was a useless one until they were discovered by their more advanced human cousins: Homo-Brotherus.

Homo-Brotherus recognized that despite Homo-Pledgus’s obvious shortcomings, it could be utilized as a cheap source of labor and manipulated into doing various projects around the Brotherus’ domiciles, such as cleaning and the building of outhouses. In payment for their work, Homo-Brotherus mercilessly ridiculed the Pledgus and would often use it as fodder for games involving hot sauces or expired beer. Thereby establishing a mutually beneficial relationship that would thrive for hundreds of years.

Where humans are commonly thought to share an ancient ancestor with the large apes of the modern age, it has been found that the Pledgus lineage most likely descends from a trash bag filled with rotting ferrets carcasses. Humble beginnings indeed. But what the Pledgus lacked in nobility, it also lacked in productivity. Known for its legendary laziness, the Homo-Pledgus largely relied on flying by the seat of its pants to survive its short existence. Incapable of effective time management and all but indifferent toward achieving anything in life outside of the consumption of alcohol and dragging its testicles through fields of rocks, the Pledgus required a large amount of guidance from its Homo-Brotherus leaders.

However, even with constant direction by a Homo-Brotherus, a Pledgus was far from guaranteed to become serviceable in any pertinent utilitarian fashion. It is estimated that up to a whopping 30% of all Homo-Pledguses failed to attain proficiency in any significant life skill. And when a Homo-Brotherus was finally finished tolerating a Pledgus of the aforementioned stupidity and inability, he would take that Pledgus out into the wild and leave it alone in a field to die, a process that was known by the Brotherus as “balling.”

Concerning the Pledgus’s intelligence, it has been documented that Pledguses were rather dull, annoying creatures. Known to enjoy licking boots and devising ways to successfully piss in its own mouth, the average Pledgus IQ is thought to be on par with that of a modern squirrel with cognitive deficiencies. Professor Stew Pidassole of Oxford University, a renowned authority on the Homo-Pledgus, famously wrote in his dissertation on the state of the Pledgus’s intelligence: “The poor chaps seemed to lack any form of higher mental function whatsoever. The Pledgus had more in common with a bowl of feline excrement in terms of brain activity than it did with their fellow man. And to make matters worse, this lack of cognitive function was painfully evident to the Homo-Brotherus the Pledgus often served. Leading to a strong sentiment held among early humans that Pledguses were no more than quadrupedal ground dwelling genital goblins.”

The Pledgus was a simple being. But there was a beauty to the level of its simplicity. It asked not to change its role in the hierarchy of humanity, yet continued to perform its duties to the un-satisfaction of its rulers for hundreds of years. Even now, centuries after the extinction of Homo-Pledgus was caused by an inability to successfully mate with females, Pledgus DNA can still be found in a certain percentage of modern humans.

These Pledgus descendants are often stranded on the bottom rungs of society, ineffective at even the simplest tasks, forever doomed to carry on their ancestors’ legacy. To remedy their enormous genetic burden, these “pledges” have but one option for solace: to join a fraternity and find meaning in serving man-kind once again.

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Old_Ironsides

Wooden hulled, three masted heavy frigate. Named by President George Washington.

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