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For the men of the Delta house, beer pong is more than just a game — it’s a lifestyle. After hours and hours of harrowing matches, meticulously kept pledge-transcribed statistics, and trash talk so vicious it may or may not be considered a hate crime in 12 states, the first edition of the official Delta House beer pong power ranking has been published. Without further ado, here is the week one Top 5.
5. R.J. and Drew
2 members of the most recent fall pledge class, R.J. and Drew met during a rush pregame pong session, and the BP chemistry was immediately obvious. R.J., the poor excuse for a man that he is, actually prefers to play the game sober, while Drew can’t even approach the table without blowing at least .200. While making them ideal partners, this approach usually results in Drew violently blacking out around game 12 and being sent to J board for property damage.
R.J. – 2.2 tampons used/game
Drew – 1.4 holes in the wall/session
4. Wolfe and Smash
High school basketball teammates, Wolfe and Smash somehow both managed to be end of the bench 3-point specialists on a small town team that tragically lost in the state final. Wolfe is still a key contributor to the intramural basketball team, while Smash has decided to fully commit himself to Keystone Light. As a team, their catch and shoot skill sets translate well to the 8’ by 2’ piece of plywood.
34% – Wolfe’s last cup shooting percentage
7 – number of threes Smash has hit this semester (without stepping foot on a basketball court, if you catch my drift)
12 – Number of Brian Scalabrine jerseys owned between the two of them (a league high)
3. Gram and Munchie
While entirely unremarkable under normal circumstances, Gram and Munchie gain near supernatural abilities after THC enters their system. By far the streakiest players on this list, the doobie brothers can just as easily get naked lapped as they can beat the number one overall seed.
5 – Number of times per game they stop to make what they believe is an enlightened comment but is in reality the plot of Terminator 2.
420 – Self-explanatory
2. Sir and Trent
Sir Joshua of Livingston, who was actually knighted for his courageous actions during the crumpet crisis of ’09, had never played pong prior to leaving his socialist tea-consuming former empire for the gleaming glimpses of hope and all-you-can-eat Golden Corral buffets that comprise this great nation. Despite this disadvantage, Sir was an eager learner and a natural talent, and who better to teach him than Trent, a 5th year senior whose first game of pong occurred shortly after his Cousin Dennis bought him a fifth of malt liquor as a 12th birthday present. An unfortunate side effect of this pairing has been the gradual but significant impression Trent has left on the impressionable and once innocent Sir.
1 – Number of offensive phrases Sir knew prior to meeting Trent
206 – Number of offensive phrases Sir currently knows
1.The Johnson Twins
The cream of the crop, the Johnson twins, Taylor and Tyler, have enjoyed beer pong success that has been unparalleled in the Delta house since Larry Bird’s son and Steve Kerr’s twin pledged in the fall of ’87. Their uncanny ability to sink consecutive cups is bested only by their shit talking abilities. Their twin telepathy allows them to both complete each other’s taunts and speak in perfect unison, a feat described by one brother as “some shit from The Shining.” When taking into account both these facts, it is suddenly clear why opposing teams shooting percentages’ drop by 40% when facing the Johnsons.
4 – Number of pledge mental breakdowns caused by the twins this semester
That’s all for the week one edition of the official Delta House beer pong power ranking. There are a lot of great teams in the field this year, but only one will claim the coveted Blackout Cup..