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The Official 2016 Not Frat Bracket is here.
Earlier this year, your votes determined that Natural Light is 2016’s frattest thing. Now, it’s time to find out what reigns supreme at the opposite end of the spectrum — what is 2016’s most NF (not frat) thing? That’s up to you to decide.
We’re down to the Sweet Sixteen, and, while a 1 seed has already bitten the dust, we still have a 14 seed and two 13 seeds in the mix. Astounding. How will these Cinderellas fare in the round of sixteen, though? Let’s get to our first region.
Note: Bracket regions are named after the four main frat regions in a purely ceremonial manner. The things listed under them do not necessarily have any specific relationship with that respective frat region.
Polls will be closed Tuesday, July 5
The East Coast Region
#1 Socialism vs. #5 Veganism
Top-seeded socialism looks to tear down veganism here in the Sweet Sixteen. This is a interesting matchup, because personally, I believe vegans to be more annoying than socialists. Socialists, however, have more power when it comes to their ability to fuck up my livelihood — vegans can just be tuned out or avoided altogether via staying away from farmers’ markets and Whole Foods, but socialists have the ability to enact political change.
#2 Hillary Clinton vs. #14 Hot Topic
Wow. A politician who’s all about covering things up and a clothing company that is all about covering up goths, facing off in an epic skirmish for the ages. It’s times like this that I can’t believe ABC denied my request to turn the NF Bracket into an animated series starring the bad guy from the Disney channel original movie Brink and “Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?” artist Paula Cole. Their loss.
The West Coast Region
#1 Cargos vs. #13 Skintight jeans
THE BATTLE OF THE TROUSERS! Tough draw for Cinderella 13 seed skintight jeans. Seeing as skintight jeans just jumped onto the mainstream scene within the last 5 or so years, this is a matchup between the time-honored NF champion and a young, untested upstart. Let’s see what happens, though I think we all know how this one goes down.
#2 Safe spaces vs. #3 PETA
Whereas skintight jeans are an untested upstart, Safe spaces are the Jordan Spieth of this bracket. They’re very new, but very, very good. PETA is an NF journeyman — always showing up and making cuts, but never quite breaking through. Is this PETA’s big break?
The Midwest Region
#1 North Korea vs. #4 Vaping
If you combine these two, you get a country where you get sent off to the gulag for not noticing that Kim Jong-un modded the fuck out of his atomizer. I’ll never understand how North Koreans can stand living in such a shithole, and I’ll never understand how vapers can walk around all day with a mini desktop computer-looking gizmo hanging from their lanyard necklace. I don’t care who wins this battle, honestly. Both deserve the shame that comes with NF Bracket victory.
#2 Trigger warnings vs. #6 Poetry slams
I wouldn’t know from experience, as I’ve never been to a poetry slam, but I bet modern day slams are rife with trigger warnings. Your poem mentions a gun? TRIGGER WARNING. Your poem makes a veiled reference to the fact that injustice exists? TRIGGER WARNING. Your poem contains the word “pear,” which is an anagram for “rape?” TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING. Both of these are beloved by hipsters, making them both highly NF.
The South Region
#2 Bernie Sanders vs. #3 Feminism
Sanders supporters feel the Bern, but so do feminists (it’s generally due to chafing caused by their copious amounts of body hair). It’s socialism vs. social justice in this matchup fit for a dumpster.
#8 Gun control vs. #13 Filing a noise complaint
Gun control managed to bring down 1 seed protesting, so it has some insane momentum heading into its matchup against Cinderella story filing a noise complaint. We all know how NF being a tattle-tale is, though. Snitches get stitches, but do they get past gun control? Let’s find out.
The Elite Eight will be announced Wednesday, July 6.
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Bracket design by Connor Davis. Follow him on Instagram.