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The Official 2016 Not Frat Bracket is here.
Earlier this year, your votes determined that Natural Light is 2016’s frattest thing. Now, it’s time to find out what reigns supreme at the opposite end of the spectrum — what is 2016’s most NF (not frat) thing? That’s up to you to decide.
If you want to do some fracketology (frat bracketology) to see if you can perfectly predict how this year’s 2016 Not Frat Bracket will pan out, print out and fill out an empty bracket and follow along as the results come pouring in. Let’s get to our first region.
Note: Bracket regions are named after the four main frat regions in a purely ceremonial manner. The things listed under them do not necessarily have any specific relationship with that respective frat region.
The East Coast Region
#1 Socialism vs. #16 Recycling
America was founded on capitalist principles. It’s the basis for the American dream; the idea that hard work and determination will lead to success regardless of your upbringing, race, and almost all other external factors. Socialism slaps capitalism in the face by saying that any lazy dame or dandy can reap the benefits of your hard work. Putting the weak and the strong on even playing fields is highly NF, which is why socialism earned itself a 1 seed. Not to mention socialists are, more often than not, idiots. While going green is NF, I have a hard time believing recycling has what it takes to pull off the incredible upset.
#2 Hillary Clinton vs. #15 Piercings
It takes a colossal fuck up for anybody with whom Slick Willy associates himself to be considered NF, and Benghazi is that fuck up. When incompetence leads to you losing your charter, that’s frat. When it leads to American casualties? I can’t fathom many things that are more NF. She’s also been pretty petty dealing with Trump. Guys with piercings (and I’m lumping ear gauges into this category) are absolutely disgusting, though. Best of luck to them in this difficult matchup.
#3 Man buns vs. #14 Hot Topic
Dear God… This is a deplorable matchup of two major NF sects, with man buns representing hipsters and Hot Topic representing the emo/goth contingency. The man bun is the calling card of the man who thinks he’s hot, and it’s ruining this country. Hot Topic, with its Invader Zim plush toys and pentagram t-shirts, is the preferred clothier of counterculture wannabes. It’s a store that truly sickens me.
#4 Priuses vs. #13 Drum circles
Priuses are to NF what Tahoes are to F. In trying to preserve the world for future generations, they’re everything that’s wrong with the world they’re trying to save. The carbon footprint is a myth started by the sun in order for it to sell solar panels. Everyone knows that, only I have the balls to say it. We must not give in to the sun’s intragalactic interests. I have Priuses on upset alert, though, as their opponent is an annular gathering of smelly, spiritual wahoos. You can’t go wrong voting for either of these two options.
#5 Veganism vs. #12 Scientology
Humans are omnivores. We were created to eat delicious, bloody meat. That’s not an opinion, that’s a fact. Cut it out with the holier-than-thou schtick already, vegetarians/vegans. It’s getting more old and withered than the organic, non-GMO broccoli you bought at the farmer’s market 3 hours ago. And don’t get me started on Scientology. A
“religion” cult whose main goal is to blackmail members so that they can continue to use them for their money is so very NF. Also, Scientologists kill people.
#6 Occupy Wall Street vs. #11 Smegma
Being a member of the 99% is undeniably NF. Smegma (if you don’t know what it is, don’t look it up) is a disgusting thing that only foreigners and people who don’t use their penis get. Being foreign and/or not using your penis. Also undeniably NF.
#7 TOMS vs. #10 Wife beaters
If every pair of TOMS sold meant a little African child in need got an ice cold beer, this would be a different story. But they don’t — they just get a shitty pair of TOMS. Side note: if an African child in need buys a pair of TOMS, do they get another pair for free? Is it like a permanent BOGO situation in Africa with regard to TOMS? Someone has to know the answer to this. As far as wife beaters go, I don’t mean the Ray Rice type, I mean the white trash t-shirt type. Just looking at those corduroy abominations makes me want to decapitate myself and fuck my own eyeball holes.
#8 Campus PD vs. #9 Fixed-gear bikes
It’s up to you to decide which is more NF: the campus “cops” showing up to your party and spoiling the fun, or a Jimmy John’s delivery driver showing up to your house on his stupid fixed-gear bike with his messenger bag and making you guys look like losers by association.