I threw my empty forty ounce onto the sidewalk, shattering it at my feet. My brother Juice and I had just left the bar in search of greener pastures. After a trip to the local 7/11 to stock up on the aforementioned malt liquor, we found ourselves wandering through our neighborhood back to our lair.
“Sounds like someone’s having a mixer or something up the street,” Juice slurred. “Let’s see kind of talent is around.”
The hum of rap music cut the warm air as we struggled up the street to the source of the noise. As we reached the house we soon discovered the party was being hosted by our rival fraternity.
“Fucking cucks,” I said pointing at the flag hanging from their deck. As we began to approach their house Juice suddenly ducked into their side yard. I ran to catch up with him then noticed what he was doing.
“Dude, check this out,” he said as he quietly popped the back window open, exposing the inside of what looked like their chapter room. Maybe it was the allure of a good ole fashion B and E (that’s breaking and entering for you kids at home). Maybe it was the $2 well drinks paired with the sidewalk slammers. But without hesitation we crawled through the open window like two drunken raccoons.
Upon entering the house we immediately noticed that sneaking around inside would be easier than previously expected. All of the main lights inside were turned off and there were Neon and UV lights casting colors in every direction. It looked like everyone was in the main house and in the yard. I snuck through the bowels of the house like a ninja in a Hawaiian shirt and searched for souvenirs.
￼After what seemed like a century in the house, the USS Blackout was beginning to set sail. “Fuck, I shouldn’t’ve had that last whiskey sour…I’ve gotta find Juice and get outta here,” I thought to myself as I dropped a bottle of Evan Williams and a Wolf of Wall Street poster out the window. Even in my disturbingly intoxicated state I recognized that the sooner I got the out of dodge the better. I turned around expecting to see Juice but was instead greeted by a tan brunette with a pair of World Class sweater puppies. Not who I was looking for, but I definitely wasn’t complaining.
“What do you think you’re doing?” she cooed as she started walking toward me. My initial thought was to dive through the open window like Micheal Phelps off the starting block, but before I had the chance she grabbed my belt and pulled me into herself. She started dragging me out of the room and into the cock and balls of the party. FUCK. I fumble to get free but I couldn’t pull my belt from her startlingly vice-like grip. With me still in tow she stopped on the middle of the dance floor and started grinding on my business like she was trying to kill me with my own zipper.
I knew I had to make a quick escape, but the frock wants what the frock wants. She turned around and started to kiss me. I asked her if she wanted to go upstairs. She nodded and I led her off the dance floor and up the stairs. I started jiggling doorknobs like a maniac looking for anywhere I could punch my ticket to pound town.
Finally, a door swings open and we tumble into the room. She got on her knees and started giving me a blowjob like she was angry at me…like she was trying to suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. Then she hopped on the bed and got on all fours. Game time. I flipped off the massive composite hanging over the head of the bed while she bounced her perfect ass against me. I felt like the king of Slay Mountain. Just when I thought I was home free, the door burst open.
“Who the fuck are you? You think who you can fuck in my fucking bed?!” My lovely accomplice ran out of the room, cradling her belongings like a homeless mental-patient. I scrambled to put on my pants back on as the kid started barreling into the room. Before he could get in, Juice came out of nowhere and laid him out with a form tackle that would have made Brian Bosworth proud.
We ran to the stairs. Brothers began to converge on the staircase. No go. We ran back to the room I had just defiled. Juice opened the window.
“It’s the only way man.”
“If this kills me I’ll haunt the fuck out of you,” I said as I hung my legs out the window. I dropped two fucking stories to the ground, gave myself a quick once over, then took off running. Juice landed right behind me and followed suit. Brothers poured out of the house but we were already too far down the street, we had lost them.
I never found out who’s room I soiled that night, or the name of the girl that helped me. The only thing I know for sure is, that Wolf of Wall Street poster still looks great on my wall..