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The NBA Finals Explained in Fraternity Terms

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To the delight of some and the relative indifference of others, the NBA Finals kick off tonight as the Heat and Thunder meet in a monumental battle of basketball’s top tier. Whether you’re a fan of the sport or not, the excitement of this matchup will surely be talked about for years to come, and it would be a damn shame to miss a piece of sports history.

Since I’m sure that many of TFM’s readers range from the “extremely casual” NBA fan all the way down to the “I would rather watch Extreme Home Makeover” detractors, I’ve decided to break down the teams and stars of the game in more accessible fraternity terms, so you can enjoy it just a little bit better.

The Teams

The Miami Heat- The Slipping Top Tier


The Miami Heat are a top tier house on the NBA campus, no doubt, but their stock is sinking year after year as their top pledge class (James, Wade, Bosh) are slowly shifting from “Campus Legend” to “Mildly Creepy Super Super Senior” status. With each year the Heat’s core brothers age, the hopes of any campus awards (NBA Titles) are dwindling. While they undoubtedly hold two of the most accomplished raging alcoholics in the fraternity system, the rising talent of their rival house is a cause for concern.

The Oklahoma City Thunder- The Rising Rival


The Thunder are a solid upper-middle house who finally finds itself poised to make the jump to the upper echelon. By completely mastering the rush (Draft) process, Oklahoma City has assembled one of the strongest systems of youthful energy ever to grace the University of National Basketball. The Thunder are the odds-on favorite to become the top house on campus, but they face an incredibly experienced threat in their Floridian opponent.

The Stars

Lebron James- The Kid Who Just Can’t Close


Lebron came into the house with legends of his high school conquests whispering through the halls before he even set foot on campus. His Chill/Pull ratio was proclaimed to have the potential to be higher than even that of the legendary McCoy (Jordan). After compiling some amazing statistics year after year, one thing was inherently lacking in this prospect: his ability to close. Though he comes close time after time, and wades knee deep in pussy-potential on a daily basis, when the time comes to bring a girl (Championship Ring) home he freezes.

Lebron now stands prepared to prove all of his doubters wrong, as he’s clearly getting tired of being demolished at brotherhood roasts semester after semester. It’s 1:00 AM on a Saturday night, and he’s been flirting with the Double D’d hot blonde of championship destiny. The question remains: can he finally slay the proverbial hymen of basketball immortality?

Dwayne Wade- The Mentor


Though Wade pledged the same year as his “Big 3” counterparts, he is the only one of the three to taste the sweet juices of moist championship poon-tang. This gives him the silent but strong mentor role in the house who holds an enormous amount of respect. Wade is the kind of guy who sees your text message and meets you at Happy Hour without a moment’s hesitation. While his house has been the target of immeasurable University (Media) backlash and hatred, he remains calm and composed and treats his talents like business. While he has slipped recently due to the dominating upswing of pledge brother Lebron James, look for him to turn a few heads with his “been there, done that” demeanor and fiercely rage-worthy attitude.

Chris Bosh- The Fat Legacy Who Occasionally Scores


Nobody expects a lot from Chris Bosh. While he was once an all-star pledge, his Freshman 15 became the Sophomore 45, and his once dominating presence became overshadowed by his more prolific brothers. However, don’t count him out just yet. Bosh, despite being metaphorically fat and the third best brother in his house by an exponential margin, can occasionally surprise naysayers and dive headfirst in the sheets with an 8.5 much to everyone’s disbelief. Like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park he resembles so closely, look for Bosh to adapt and succeed as the series progresses.

Kevin Durant- The Young Gun


Kevin Durant is the kind of brother who takes huge responsibilities from the get-go, closes on beautiful women regularly, goes out every night, and still manages a 3.7 GPA. While he is young and full of raw game and talent, he composes himself like a Super Senior and thus gets into 21+ bars without any difficulty whatsoever. While Durant hasn’t been around quite long enough to become President of your house, he is considered by all the eventual front-runner. While Durant has an amazing amount of potential for success ahead of him, there are still questions of his youth and reckless nature. Just like any fraternity brother, some times Durant will come out sloppy and off-point and completely blow opportunities provided to him. This challenge will be a huge maturity test to the growth of Kevin Durant onto the upperclassmen level.

Russel Westbrook- The Risk Taker


Westbrook, plain and simple, lives on the edge. He is the kind of high-flying, take any dare brother that can both put your house horrifically at risk, and elevate it to the next level. Despite being a point-guard by position, Westbrook breaks conventions like the hot middle-tier sorority girl and leads his team in points on a regular basis. Westbrook is also the kind of kid who will wear Madras plaid pants on a Tuesday afternoon in December just to get attention, as proven by Dorn’s recent article. Westbrook clearly demands a lot of focus, and would clearly be the brother drunkenly singing “Wagon Wheel” the loudest so everyone could tell he knew the words. Keep an eye out for Westbrook’s tendency for turnovers, by not taking care of the ball he could easily become known as the Oklahoma City Cockblock.

James Harden- The All Star Pledge


James Harden, recent NBA Sixth Man of the Year, is the young and overachieving pledge that every house loves to have. While he came through rush as a relatively talked about individual, no one could expect the instant impact he would make on his potential championship-house. From the first pledge meeting he was organizing his own pledge socials and spending his time generally making his house look like badasses.

While Harden comes off of the bench, he is unquestionably the Thunder’s third most talented player, and can easily grab a quiet 25 points before anyone can figure out how to defend him. Harden has an extremely bright fraternal future ahead of him, and will surely spend a good amount of his collegiate years raw dogging girls with ease, blacking out before noon, and all the other properties of success that we hold so dear. The only question remaining is how much of an impact this pledge can make right now.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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