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Last night, in front of an excited home crowd fueled by vodka Red Bulls and clad heavily in bejeweled Ed Hardy attire, the Miami Heat defeated the Indiana Pacers in an impressive, though anticlimactic, Game 7 to win the Eastern Conference and advance to the NBA Finals for the third year in a row. As noted, the Miami crowd was, as always, an unrestrained douche-fest. Thanks to the Heat’s preferred home crowd colors, every Miami home playoff game basically looks like someone turned the lights on at the world’s most obnoxious white party. In reality, it probably is the world’s most obnoxious white party. To be fair, that’s the type of event that, were you forced to guess with a gun to your head, you would have assumed was in Miami anyway.
All of that is to say that Miami Heat fans, in all their gaudy-guido-trashiness, are just the worst. Who of them is worst of all though? Which Miami Heat fan truly embodies the stereotype that has come to represent one of the most awful fan bases in all of sports? First we have to ask, what exactly is the Miami Heat fan stereotype? I’d argue these are the key components:
1) Fair Weather – This goes almost without saying. To paraphrase Ricky Bobby, Miami fans tend to live by the motto, “If you ain’t first, I’m at the club.” That of course doesn’t apply to the Marlins, who no one cares about even when they are winning.
2) Obnoxiously Behaved – Not in a Philadelphia fan, whipping batteries at an opposing player’s toddler, sort of way. Rather, this obnoxiousness is loud and/or clueless, with a healthy amount of oblivious arrogance. Philly fans are certainly obnoxiously behaved, but their rage is mostly informed, plus they’re too blue collar and self-loathing to be oblivious or arrogant.
3) Obnoxiously Dressed – Again, plenty of fans dress obnoxiously, but most do so by being overweight and shirtless in 20 degree weather, or dressing like a member of the band Gwar if you’re at a Raiders game. Miami fans, however, dress obnoxiously in a way they believe is stylish. For Miami, it probably is stylish — I mentioned the Ed Hardy, didn’t I? You’re at the AAA to be seen, and pound Grey Goose. Then basketball.
4) Gaudy – In a way this is covered by numbers 2 and 3, but it needs to be clearly conveyed that the stereotypical Miami fan is simultaneously flashy and tasteless, like anyone who ever owned a DeLorean without turning it into a time machine.
So who is the ultimate Miami Heat fan? Justin Bieber, because of course he is. He’s fair weather, obnoxious in every way mentioned above, and then some, and of course gaudy as fuck. He was courtside at Game 7 last night, wearing a leather tunic, again. When I’m trying to have a beer and watch the game, the last thing I want to see is some little douche dressed like a eunuch character from a hip hop remake of A Kid in King Arthur’s Court. Give me Jack Nicholson railed out of his fucking mind, screaming at refs. Also, I can tolerate Nicholson wearing sunglasses inside, he’s doing it to hide his disturbingly bloodshot eyes, not because he thinks it makes him look “tight.”
Maybe Bieber was just there to take in what was supposed to be an awesome basketball game, because he’s rich and he can. I’d respect that, but I don’t believe it. There is no way the little hard on isn’t front running for the Heat. Bieber used to be a noted Lakers fan, but that was when the Lakers were contending for titles, three whole years ago. Though to be fair, I wouldn’t want to root for Dwight Howard either.
Still, it makes me wonder, what’s Justin Bieber like at a Miami Heat game…
–Courtside, American Airlines Arena–
(*LeBron James catches an alley oop from Norris Cole, slams it down*)
Bieber: Ohhhh dayum son! Dude can fly!
Crew Member 1: You right Jay! He jumped crazy high. That was a hella tight observation, you mad knowledgeable about sports. You should be on ESPN tellin’ spittin’ straight up truth about sports, B, like you do ’bout life, ‘n my life ‘specially. How shawty’s be tryin’ to be tight wiff me but then I just get these mad clear realizations like how maybe instead’a a shawty bein’ my soul mate maybe tha one tellin’ me b’bout my soul itself is my soulmate. (*looks longingly at Bieber*)
Bieber: Ha Ima make my own sports channel, call it BiebSPN.
Crew Member 2: Ohh Jay has mad wordplay skills! Thas why yo lyrics straight cut to the core of my emotions and make my heart dance ‘n cry.
Crew Member 1: Yo Jay but fo real though, if you start up that channel I’d watch it like, errday. Sometimes when I’m feelin’ scurred I just watch that video where you cross over Steve Nash and see how brave you was ‘n it makes me brave ‘n I just get so thankful that I’m in yo life, even if you currently makin’ me sleep in tha garage cuz you wanted yo Aston Martin to sleep in a bed cuz you watched that movie Cars ‘n think all yo cars is secretly people now.
Bieber: Yeah, that was pretty tight when I straight crossed up Nash…
–Flashback to a gym in 2011–
(*Bieber stands in the corner, crying with his Bodyguard*)
Bieber: (*crying*) An-an he keeps takin’ tha ball from me an-an Selena’s watchin’ an-an she don’t think I’m tight if I can’t school Steve Nash.
Bodyguard: Jay, dawg, Steve Nash is pro ball player. Dude’s an MVP. Ain’t no shame in losin’ to him. Plus how’d you think he was gonna go easy on you after you talked trash before the game?
Bieber: (*pleading*) I didn’t talk no smack!
Bodyguard: Jay you said you was gonna rub yo nuts on his daughters.
Bieber: People’s daughters ask me to rub my nuts on ’em all tha time! I was bein’ generous!
Bodyguard: Yeah, but it’s different this time though. They’re 7 years old.
Bieber: Just make him quit bein’ so mean!
(*Bodyguard walks over to Steve Nash*)
Bodyguard: Ey, Steve, my man, you gotta give my boy one.
Steve Nash: (*pissed*) The little shit’s lucky I don’t kick his teeth in. He said he was gonna rub his nuts on my little girls.
Bodyguard: I know, I know. We talked about that, he understands what he did wrong now.
Steve Nash: I feel like he should’ve already understood what he did wrong. Fine, whatever, I’ll give him one. I just want this day to be over with. And by the way, tell him it wouldn’t be so easy to steal the ball if he didn’t sing what he was going to do right before he did it.
Bodyguard: Yeah, I know. He does that when he has to go to the bathroom too.
(*Bodyguard tosses Bieber the ball*)
Bodyguard: You up Jay!
(*Bieber wipes his nose and walks onto the court, gaining more confidence with each step*)
Bieber: Here we go! (*starts singing*) I’m gonna cross you ova, fake right go left, gonna do it!
(*Steve Nash rolls his eyes, feigns left, Bieber moves right and scores easily*)
Steve Nash: Good job buddy.
Bieber: (*boastfully, aggressive*) Get the fuck outta here! I’m gonna fuckin kill you! (*spits in Steve Nash’s face*)
Steve Nash: Goddammit.
–Back to the present–
Bieber: Ey you think I could cross ova LeBron?
Crew Member 1: Dawg I think you could do anythang you put yo mind to. You could cross LeBron over, you could prolly out jump him too, cuz he can fly, but you IS fly.
Crew Member 2: And also you just so upliftin’ wiff tha way you make me feel on a personal level, like erry second I’m up near you I feel like I’m floatin’ an–
Crew Member 1: (*angry*) EY! Git out my biz-ness dawg, I’m up herr tryin’ ta tell Jay how fly he is, you intrudin’ on a special moment!
Crew Member 2: I CAN’T HELP IT IF HE MAKES ME FEEL LIGHT AS A FEATHER IF THERR’S ONE THING JAY’S MUSIC TEACHES US IT’S TO BE EXPRESSIVE AT ALL TIMES ‘N TO CHERISH ‘N SHIT!
(*The Crew Members start slap fighting*)
Bieber: Damn! Chill out. I’m tryna figure out how I’d cross up LeBron. Tell him I wanna play one on one after this game, fo the REAL championship.
–Several hours later, in an empty American Airlines Arena–
(*Bieber waits alone on the court, in the wing, the Bodyguard walks up to the Crew Members with a Barack Obama mask*)
Bodyguard: Ey, one of you put this on ‘n go play Jay right quick.
Crew Member 1: Ain’t that a president mask?
Bodyguard: Jay ain’t gonna know the difference, put it on!
Crew Member 2: Where’s LeBron?
Bodyguard: He told me fuck off. Now put this on and go play.
(*Crew Member 2 puts on Barack Obama mask and runs out to the court*)
Crew Member 2: Sup, yo, I’m LeBron James, and it’s an honor to get schooled by you.
Bieber: (*cocky*) Yeah, that’s what they all say.
Justin Bieber is the world’s most perfect Miami Heat fan.