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One stellar dude (with two buddies, who also happen to be stellar dudes) are looking for a fourth compadre to accompany them to the Georgia Dome for the Mizzou-Auburn SEC Championship. However, they are as discerning as they are overbearing in this bid for an accomplice to their Atlanta adventures, providing a rigorous yet humorous plea for a ticket buyer in their Craigslist ad.
This offer brings more than just the opportunity to watch the much anticipated SEC Championship game between the Missouri Tigers and the Auburn Tigers. Auburn fans, need not reply…unless you’re smoking hot and go both ways (like a Mizzou fan and an Auburn fan all in one, get your head out of the gutter). The ticket price is $10 cheaper than I paid for it, so that in its self is worth the ticket. But if that is not enough for you, and your little heart desires for something more to push you into making the decision of a lifetime, please continue reading below.
They’re selfless and altruistic, you can save a whole $10! And their demanding requisites for a male companion are as entertaining as they are nonsensical. What starts as a promise for a great time with a couple of beer chugging bros quickly goes awry, talking about dick punching, puking and rallying, and a chance to be a “bub for the day,” whatever the fuck that means.
For the men: As a bonus you will be so blessed as to accompany three fine gentlemen into the mayhem that is about to ensue at the Georgia Dome. I use the term gentlemen loosely, as we will be sure to start a riot, chug beers, and yell obscenities at all those that don the burnt orange and navy blue. If you like to watch football games sitting down, do us all a favor, stop right now and punch yourself in the love spuds. Make sure you get the balls too, you don’t deserve a weenie punch only but a whole package punch. This is not for the faint of heart. This is everything you picture as a manfan; beer, airplane bottles of booze, hot dogs, nachos, machetes, burping, vomiting, recovery chugs, tons of high fives, more shotgunning, nutshots, etc. etc. Do not delay for this once in a life chance to be a “bub for the day” and hang out with the coolest bubs this side of the Mississippi.
These hopeless lotharios are not picky when it comes to the opposite gender, however, as long as their female friend is a stone cold fox. Let’s be honest, no one wants to drag some strange around Atlanta if she’s not a 6 or above. And the contradictory nature of their mandatories for women (and their self-descriptions) is not lost on the rest of us.
For the ladies: As a bonus you will be so blessed as to accompany three fine gentlemen into the lovely venue that is the Georgia Dome. I use the term gentlemen with the greatest of pleasure. We are not your typical douchebaggery men, but pillars of the community that fight to serve for women’s rights and feel that all women deserve a man mirrored in their image. Believe it or not, but one of the astute men in our group actually invented chivalry. It’s true, google it. We hope that if you’re looking to enjoy a lovely football match, that you choose to view with us. This is some of the activities we will be participating in: Sitting down, clapping with one hand cupped inside the other, holding your hand, kissing your hand, waiting on you hand and foot, providing you with a 1984 bottle of pinot noir, rolling fresh sushi, and of course carrying you like the princess of Nottingham. Do not be afraid my dear, but come to us with open arms and envision writing this tale in your diary someday.
They’re not fucking around with this search though, so watch out.
A phone interview may or may not be required.
All in all, if I had another $450 lying around, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Worst case scenario, Mizzou loses and they turn out to be fucking weirdos. Best case scenario, I have a blast, Mizzou wins and pulls out a trip to the Natty, and they rage as hard as I did sophomore year (being old balls isn’t all it was cracked up to be, young’ns, so enjoy your youth). Either way, I would love to hear how this weekend turns out for the unsuspecting chump who takes these guys up on this offer. Death? Waking up naked and wishing you were dead? Other?