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The Morning Bump: You Only Get One Shot

Mornings are dog shit. You’re tired and hungover, but you have to get out of bed and do stuff. So you could use a little motivation. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, muchacho. Put this metaphorical straw to your nose and snort.

Walk A Little Taller Today

Squints Palledorous was willing to die by drowning to get what he wanted. Now, I’m not suggesting that anyone commit sexual assault, because I’m pretty sure what Squints did would’ve qualified as such had he not been a minor, but his commitment to winning can’t be written off as mere deviancy or suicidal behavior. He put his life on the line for Wendy Peffercorn. What he did was sneaky, rotten, and low — and cool, and it worked. Remember, after all, Squints ended up marrying that hot piece of lifeguard ass. So pretend Wendy Peffercorn is today, and you’re Squints. Plot, scheme, and execute. Take her down.

You Are A Champion

Tell me you’re not fully torqued right now. I just Hulk’ed my shirt and punched myself in the face. Sure, he fucked up a few parts of his speech, but what man can be expected to communicate flawlessly with an overload of adrenaline pumping through his veins? And yeah, whoever typed up the subtitles might have a slight learning disability, but even that halfwit couldn’t tarnish the poetic message spewing forth from this leader of men’s mouth. Who am I? I am a champion, bitch. Pretty sure all those kids went out and committed mass murder after that speech.

Lose Yourself

If you had one shot, or one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment, would you capture it? Or just let it slip? Marshall Mathers took his one shot and made it. Now it’s your turn. Get out there and fire up a fucking three-pointer from five feet behind the arc like Chef Curry with the rock, boy.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

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