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The Morning Bump: Rise And Shine

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Got something you think should be featured in The Morning Bump? Email it to me at

Mornings are dog shit. You’re tired and hungover, but you have to get out of bed and do stuff. So you could use a little motivation. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, champ. Put this metaphorical straw to your nose and snort.

Death Or Dishonor

Sure, 300 featured a little too much man flesh, but it was still pretty badass back when it dropped, and that final speech will make even the straightest man’s dick move. There’s a reason they chose that son of a bitch to be the narrator. So listen to his words, find a weird way to apply them to your life, and get out there and do something totally irrational.

Return Of The Mack

I’m not saying “Return of the Mack” is the greatest song of all-time, but it’s up there. Mark Morrison’s world-changing hit is, if nothing else, an incredible jam to rock out to in the morning while you prepare to seize your destiny. Today is the return of you. Get out there and mack. Mack hard and long and strong, and don’t trust no bitch. Bitches be trippin’.

Take Life By The Throat

Jason Bourne kicked so much fucking ass, and he didn’t even know his own name. Guy didn’t have the slightest clue what was going on, but he knew how to kick ass. You and him probably have that in common. You wake up every day and don’t have any fucking idea what to do with yourself, but you know how to kick ass. It’s in your blood. It’s ingrained in your very being. Don’t deny your maker — go forth and fuck shit up.

The Best Of Ari Gold

Who doesn’t like Ari Gold? Poor people and losers, that’s who. Did Ari Gold ever meet a day he couldn’t bend over and impregnate? No, no he didn’t. And neither have you. Get the world pregnant today. Hell, get the world pregnant all weekend. Mazel tov.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

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