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The Morning Bump: Back To School

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Mornings are a living hell. You’re tired and hungover, but you have to get out of bed and do stuff, so you could use a little motivation. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, bruh. Put this metaphorical straw to your nose and snort.

Fight For Your Right

After all these years, that speech still gets me amped up enough to jump in my fighter jet with a flask of whiskey and fly directly into the middle of the mothership’s giant laser weapon, ending the war with the aliens and indirectly killing thousands of innocent humans because of the crazy amounts of alien ship shrapnel raining from the sky. I mean, that’s a top 10 all time movie speech, right up there with Jeff Goldblum explaining chaos theory in Jurassic Park. Tell me you don’t feel like punching an alien in the fucking face right now. Tell me. You’re a goddamn liar. I don’t believe you.

Give Serious Thanks

I’ll be honest, I had no idea who Howard Metzenbaum was before watching this video, and now I want to cut off his nuts and feed them to him. Fuck Howard Metzenbaum. John Glenn, however, is clearly a badass — the kind of badass that should make you look at yourself in the mirror and say, “Holy shit, I need to be more like John Glenn.” Today is the day you start. Get out there and make John Glenn proud, you bad son of a bitch. And be thankful that dudes like John Glenn came before you and paved the way for you to get away with all the terrible shit you do on a regular basis.

Feel The Need For Speed

Don’t listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher up there. Your teacher wants you to learn stuff, spend time in the library, study that $357 textbook he wrote while he was smoking shitty weed in the ’70s, and show up for class every day. Fuck that. I got a 0.40 (that’s zero-point-four-zero, not four-point-zero) my first semester of college, and look at me — I write nonsense on the internet for a living. I turned out just fine. Yeah, I’ve got warrants, but so what? Remember kids, college is about making grades that are just good enough to keep your parents paying for everything while simultaneously partying nonstop and making sex with as many people as possible. You know what I’m talking about. Now get out there and live.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

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