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Thank you all for coming on this Monday. My fellow Americans, nothing in life worth achieving comes without obstacles. Whether it’s personal disappointment, financial struggles on the way to the top, or a particularly long, scenic walk from the dishwasher to the laundry room, these obstacles are what stand between us and happiness for all Americans. Regardless of the tasks mounted before us, know that conquering them requires nothing more than a can-do attitude.
When Kid Rock proclaimed to the world that he was Born Free, he spoke for all of mankind. Being shackled is an affront to the very essence of who we are. Unless you’re paying for it, or in the company of fellow consenting adults, we must never allow ourselves to be tied down.
Thus, when my habit of getting drunk and waking up on couches coincided with most women’s habit of not wanting to go home with guys who get drunk and wake up on couches, it became clear that I was in need of assistance. Thankfully, where once a man would have to lay groundwork and pay for a girl’s drinks as a means of finding carnal joy, I am blessed to live in an age where satisfaction is just a swipe to the right. At wit’s end, I re-downloaded Tinder and went about frantically trying to connect with someone who would break my streak. As luck would have it, I found a young lady who was very willing and able.
Most encounters on such an app take days to flesh out. Bullshit small talk and corny puns are typically involved. Sometimes, however, you find a gem who knows what she wants. She invited herself to my place before I could even get out a “hey.” As a man who prides himself on being fairly bold, such an act of assertiveness was both unexpected and invigorating. Upon arrival, all she asked for was a movie and margaritas. Neither ended up being necessary. Before Dustin Hoffman could even ask if Mrs. Robinson was trying to seduce him, our pants were as gone as our inhibitions.
What followed was a day and a half of no-holds-barred nastiness. The three hours of sleep in between did little to assuage a woman who has likely burnt ants with a magnifying glass just for the physical thrill. I’m not sure what the actual purpose of shoelaces and history textbooks are, but I’m fairly sure that they don’t involve safe words. A man hasn’t lived until he has looked into a lust-crazed woman’s eyes while being commanded to see how many more fingers he can fit up there. Terror is a natural aphrodisiac, and few things are more alarming than a creature who seeks carnal release with the tenacity of a lioness in heat.
What we learn today, America, is that we must seek what we desire with the same relentless drive as our forefathers. Gingerly stepping about is only a means to our own demise. Immediate gratification can only be achieved when we throw aside the norms of society and push forward. Just as cocoa butter and Neosporin remove the sting and redness of back scratches, so does assertiveness remove the bore of complicity.
Thank you again for coming. God bless these United States, and may your week be just as sexy as your weekend..