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You may have read the “Big 12 as Beer” column somewhere on the net, but Dorn is into the hard stuff. I’m going to break down the current Big 12 football programs, or the schools in general, as if they were hard liquors. Let’s get to it.
“What is that, bro? Is that Pink Panty Droppers? Hey ladies, you have got to try this stuff…” Fucking Texas Tech. First of all, you may think you know the ingredients to trashcan punch, but you can never be too sure. Some creepy guy fucking stirred it with his hairy sweat arm. So yeah, go ahead and scoop this herp-juice with your already used cup. Say “fuck it,” drink it and hope you don’t catch anything. Just like Tech, trashcan punch is dirty and a little rapey. “Wait, are there roofies in there?”
Akin to the acquired taste for scotch, the University of Texas is not appreciated (or well liked) by many. They don’t care though, and Dorn respects that. They’re still distinguished, sophisticated, recognizable, and the hallmark of scotch. They also boast a rich history and are not afraid to tell you about it. Arrogant as shit, really.
It’s still whiskey, but it’s a little more backwoods and more prevalent in the bottom-tier of society. “Fuck you, Macallan! We taste just as good as you do!” Shut up. No, you don’t. Be happy with what you’ve got, and stop trying to be something you’re not.
Kansas just doesn’t belong. Every other Big 12 school has one thing in common: their best sport is FOOTBALL. Kansas is a basketball school, plain and simple. They can embrace that, though, because they do have an elite basketball program. The truth remains though…if you bring Ciroc to a Big 12 party, you’re getting strange looks. This isn’t a shoot for a P. Diddy music video.
Kansas State is Jagermeister. They’re kind of hard to figure out. You pretty much never think about them, and then one day your asshole friend shows up at the house with a bottle of this hangover inducing devil liquid that tastes like cough syrup, and he’s ready to rage. “Fucking Jager bombs, man! Take a pull you snatch!” Like K State, it’s only good in small doses about once a decade. The next morning you are quickly reminded why you hate that shit so much. See you in 2018, fucker.
“Club soda and…?” No, that’s it. Just club soda. “Heeey, we’re here to party. Just gonna keep it sober.” Yeah…sober, harmless and boring. Baylor is a Baptist University that outlawed dancing until 1996. Yes, you read that correctly. Dancing was not permitted on campus until midway through the Clinton administration.
Bottom Shelf Vodka
Iowa State is just happy to be at the party. No one knows who brought them or how they got there, but dammit they are in the building. They’re cheap, taste like shit, and get passed around like a $20 whore. Overall though, they’re pretty harmless.
Like tequila, Oklahoma football is a force to be reckoned with. They don’t just beat you down. They humiliate you, make you look stupid, run up the score, and you wake up feeling violated the next day. Similarly, tequila victims often wake up hungover, missing clothes and wondering what the hell just happened. Any time body shots are the preferred method of consumption, you know unflattering, ridiculous things are about to happen. Avoid if possible.
Purely from a football standpoint, Oklahoma State doesn’t have much to sell. Yeah, they’re good right now and have had some decent seasons in the recent past, but dig a little deeper into their history and it gets ugly. T. Boone Pickens literally paid for their current success.
Captain Morgan is a terrible alcohol. However, they have a genius marketing campaign, make a shit load of money, and for some reason quite a few people dig it. I don’t get it, but they have a good thing going, just like OSU.
Hmmmm, what to drink? I wonder what an SEC man would order right now. Ooooh, I heard they make good cosmos here. I’ll try that. No wait, that’s gay. What about a martini? James Bond drinks martinis.
“Sir, I’ll take a martini please.”
“Sure what kind?”
Fuck. There are different kinds? What does Bond say?
“Shaken, not stirred.”
“Look, broseph, we’re busy. What kind of martini do you want?”
Missouri just wants to fit in. Member of the Big 12, flirting with the Big 10, and now joining the SEC. Make up your damn mind already.
Up next: SEC