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Maybe you’re just an innocent freshman attempting to sneak a twelver of road sodas, some spare Juul pods, and an optimistic pack of prophylactics out of your dormitory and into a house party. We’ve all been there, right? Or maybe you’re a drug mule attempting to sneak a pillowcase full of molly into my house. The thing is, I have no fucking idea.
There’s simply no way to tell what sorts of goodies a person wearing a backpack is bringing into your party without performing a full TSA strip search on them. Whenever I see a person wandering around my house during a party wearing a backpack, I start googling citizen’s arrest laws just so I’m prepared.
Best case scenario, a person wearing a backpack at a party indoors looks like they’re on their way to a rap battle (watching, not participating). Worst case, they look like they’re on their way to a bus bombing. Either way, wearing a backpack to a social event is an incredibly questionable look.
To be clear, I fully understand the desire to bring a bag TO a house party. I personally prefer shoving my road beers into the waistband of my pants, but to each their own road beer transportation methods.
It’s the person who continues to wear the bag DURING the party that makes my butt crack itch. That type of shit makes me start scoping exists, Bourne Identity style. All I’m saying is, any person who wears a backpack on a crowded dance floor during a party is probably capable of murder, and is it least capable of committing a felony in the next five minutes. Prove me wrong.
If I’m hosting a social function, the last thing I want is a backpack full of unknown items floating around all willy-nilly, unchecked around my house. Whenever I see some random kid double-strapping a North Face, the lyrics from that Ludacris song Roll Out automatically pop into my head: “What in the world is in that BAG? Boy what you got in that BAG?”
I might be paranoid. I’ll accept that. I just think it’s a super sketch move. Plus, I’m not exactly dying to reenact the movie Patriots Day in my basement.
The real question here is, who’s working the door at these parties? Who sees a person walking up to their house wearing a Jansport and says, “Hey come on in, bud! You must be tired from carrying all of those books!”
Is it just me? How is this not a total no-brainer. If you’re working the door in that situation, you look the kid in his cold, emotionless eyes and you tell him and his bag full of liabilities to have a lovely trip back to the fucking dormitories. This is a house, not a school bus, son.
I don’t mean to come off as harsh. My only goal here is to establish some perfectly reasonable guidelines regarding backpack decorum at college parties.
Places where backpacks are not appropriate:
As I’ve expressed ad nauseam, if you are attending a party at night, and that party is indoors, you best not be wearing a damn backpack. Period. If you feel as though you must bring a bag to the event, find someone in the house and leave your shit in their room. Or, preferably, just don’t pack so much fucking luggage that it necessitates a backpack. This is a house party, not Cabo.
Places where backpacks are appropriate:
If you are in class, or drinking outdoors, you may wear a backpack. It makes sense in these settings. The one thing that beers and books have in common is that they aren’t going to carry themselves. Outdoor day drinking is basically hiking anyway, minus the cardio… and the Lyme disease.
The next time you see some SoundCloud rapper looking asshole wearing a backpack at a party indoors, speak up. I don’t care if he just came from the library. I don’t care if he just came from the backpack store. I don’t care if his dad is the founder of The North Face. It’s a trash look, it’s a bad vibe, and it’s stressing me the fuck out. Thank you..
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