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My pops left most of the birds and the bees talk to the public elementary school system, but there was always one thing he told me about the subject: “Alex, sometimes you’ve got to think with your bigger head.” He was right. Listening to your dick can get you into some bad situations. But it can be difficult to listen to the responsible brain and tune the smaller head out. The little fucker is persistent. It’s like having an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, except this devil is tucked into your waistband. Here is an internal dialogue between man and manhood during a casual hookup.
Man: Alright, I’ve got a big test in the morning. Time to finish this drink and go home.
Penis: End of the bar. Blonde. Grade A milks. Let me be your guide.
Man: Nope. Gotta study.
Penis: Quit being such a faggot. I’ll point to her. Follow me like a compass.
Man: Okay, I’ll say hi, but that’s it… “Hey, what’s your name?”
Penis: SUP BITCH HAHAHA
Man: “Ah, Ashlee with two ‘E’s… nice to meet you.”
Penis: OH MAN. She seriously spells her name with two ‘E’s!? It’s in the bag breeuuhh!
Man: “So what do you study?”
Penis: Pssst. Hey. Hey bro. Ask her if those warlocks are real.
Man: “Wow that’s cool. What do you want to do with a communications degree?”
Penis: Communications! She’s stupid too! You are so fucking welcome dude.
Man: “You want to be a weather lady? I bet you’ll be great at it, Ashlee.”
Penis: Tonight’s forecast… hot and steamy with a 100 percent chance of precipitation. Alllriiiiiight.
Man: “So what made you want to get into weather?”
Penis: Pssst. Psst. Ask her… heh… ask her if she’s ever peed standing up.
Man: “Your dad was a weatherman! It’s so cool that you’re following in his footsteps.”
P: Daddy wasn’t there… to take her to the fair… to change her underwear… daddy wasn’t theeeere!
M: “Well it was nice meeting you Ashley, but I gotta get going…”
P: What are you doing!? We almost got this!
M: Like I said, I have a test tomorrow and I have to do well on it.
P: You get back there this instant or so help me god I will stand up in the middle of that crowded lecture hall and I will not sit back down for an unreasonably long time.
M: Goddammit… “So, uh, Ashlee. You wanna get out of here?”
P: “HEY GIRL YOU EVER PEE STANDING UP!?” Ahh, I guess this is one of those Stewie Griffin situations where only you can hear me talk, huh?
M: “So Ashlee, this is my place. Can I get you something to drink?”
P: I’m mixin’ her a cocktail right now, my dude!
M: “You don’t want a drink? Do you want to, uh, see the fish tank in my room?”
P: Tell her you’ve got a rare one-eyed spitter!
M: “Well this is my room… where the magic happens haha…”
P: So awkward man. Cut the bullshit and make your move.
M: “I think you’re really pretty Ashlee.”
P: Yeah that’s it. Kiss her. KISS HER. Now lay her down gentle… atta boy.
M: “You’re a really good kisser Ashlee.”
P: Enough foreplay. LET’S DO THIS SHIT.
M: But I don’t even know her.
P: Quit being a pussy.
M: Ugh, she hasn’t shaved man… I dunno.
P: WHO CARES? Neither have you. It’s Velcro time.
M: But she says she’s on her period…
P: Sex ketchup to dip your wiener in!
M: Hold on, lemme at least put on a condom first.
P: Nah we good.
M: Fuck it.
P: That’s the spirit! Whip me out! Whip me out! Aha! I can see the light! Batten down the hatches, mateys, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride! Full speed ahead!
M: “Mmmm you feel so good Ashlee…”
P: Aaand Houston, we have contact, over.
M: “Ashlee you’re amazing.”
P: Future gentlemen, we have entered sector four niner-niner, AKA Ashlee’s coochie. This is not a drill, I repeat, not a drill. Charge through that there hole as fast as you can and regroup at rendezvous point E. It’s gonna be hell out there. Not all of you are gonna make it. In fact, only one of you will. So Godspeed and good luck. On my signal…
M: “Yeah baby, you like that, don’t you?”
P: Pshht. She’s faking it bro… Uh-oh.
M: What do you mean ‘uh-oh?’
P: I got the tingles bro, slow down.
M: No not now, we just started!
P: Oh no… it’s happening.
M: No no no no
P: YES YES YES YES
M: “Uhh Uhhhh HNNNNGGHHH!”
P: WOOOOHOOO! SWIM MY CHILDREN! SWIM AND BE FREE!
M: “Sorry about that, Ashlee.”
P: Nice pound sesh, bro. Goodnight.
Three Days Later
P: Hey man, either I’ve got an ingrown hair, or….
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