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The Infamous Morning Drunk

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Waking up drunk in the “morning” is something we’ve all experienced with enough regularity to make a gastroenterologist weep. I, for one, hate being morning drunk. At times morning drunk can be useful, for example it helps kick start your game day binge drinking, but more often than not it’s a nuisance. Every time I wake up certifiably hammered all I can think is “Leave me alone!” and hope that the pleading of my inner monologue will somehow convince the liquor inside me to have mercy and vanish. Obviously it won’t, because although whiskey makes you feel good, it doesn’t have a soul, and it certainly doesn’t care about you, just like a Japanese sex robot or a ginger prostitute. Yes, when you’re morning drunk you wake up happy and hangover free, but that’s where the benefits stop.

Just because you don’t wake up with a hangover doesn’t mean you won’t have one. Being morning drunk makes it likely that you’ll transition from happy to hungover while conscious, which is an excruciating process. There’s a reason that doctors put people under for surgery. So it is with hangovers as well. They are meant to be brought on while asleep, like God intended. Otherwise you will find yourself sitting in a room watching an NFL game when suddenly it will feel like Sebastian Janikowski jumped out of the TV and started kicking knives at your face. Before you know it you will have buried your head in the sofa and started screaming “SHUT THE CURTAINS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!”

Morning drunk also creates a certain illusion for the people experiencing it. They assume no one else thinks they are drunk. This assumption, and naturally the alcohol itself, causes these morning drunkards to somehow be more obnoxious than they were the night before. That is an impressive feat too, considering they drank enough to still be wasted the next day. Seeming obnoxious to strangers is not the concern though. Usually your morning drunk surroundings are relatively appropriate places to be obnoxious anyway. Go crazy at McDonalds, it would still take a Herculean effort to draw the most disgusted looks there. Even a heated argument with the cashier who refuses to serve you a five McGriddles at noon is going to take a backseat to the redneck child who took a crap in the ball pit.

“Sir, for the last time we aren’t serving breakfast anymore and no amount of bribe money is going to change that. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to hose down fecal stained plastic before the lunch rush.”

The real trouble with being obnoxious is pissing off your friends. Again, as I said, if you’re drunk the next day then you were probably a glassy-eyed wrecking ball the night before. As much as your shenanigans (see: misdemeanors) entertained them last night, they probably aren’t excited about babysitting the next day’s sequel. It’s exhausting, and unlike you, they ARE hungover.

As much as I lambast the downfalls of being morning drunk, it isn’t a hard thing to fix. Like I said, if it’s a game day or you just don’t have shit to do then some hair of the dog will stave off the conscious hangover transition…for a while anyway. Grabbing a pitcher of water and preemptively downing a handful of ibuprofen will sober you up and help mute the part of you that wants to verbally abuse the weekend manager at Denny’s. But these are things we all know. The problem is that morning drunk sows seeds of laziness and content. You wake up happy and drunk so you aren’t thinking about any of that. You’re more concerned with morning sex, the dispatching of whomever you just had morning sex with, food, etc. So get sober fast or drunk faster. Don’t wallow in the fleeting glory that is morning drunk, because it sucks.

Follow me on Twitter: @BaconTFM

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