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The Huffington Post Reports That the French Don’t Like Mitt Romney, No One Cares

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I’d like to nominate this article as the Huffington Post-iest Huffington Post news story ever written, it’s easily top 5. It’s got everything: A pointless liberal slant, an asinine subject, and a title that ends up being contradicted by parts of the article.

Starting with the title, “Mitt Romney Not Adored In France,” really? The French don’t like Mitt Romney!?! Sacrebleu! This is, after all, a country that started hating America roughly four years after we liberated them from the Nazis. Meanwhile we drop two A-Bombs on Japan and they love us forever. But that’s not fair, that’s comparing the world’s most polite culture to one that has a South Park style smug typhoon constantly hovering over it. But, as you’ll find from reading the article, it’s not actually that the French don’t like Mitt Romney, it’s that they don’t adore Mitt Romney. Unfortunately, “The French Have No Specific Opinion About Mitt Romney One Way or the Other” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as a headline.

At what point did anyone think it was relevant to write this article? Here, I have a similar news story I’d like to write: “Mitt Romney Not Adored by Ghosts.” Why is it similar? Because the dead, like the French, can’t vote in American elections. Even if Romney was/is disliked by the French, if anything that would be an endearing quality for him. If you’re an American and pissing off the French then you’re probably doing something right. Of course this isn’t exactly the first wine and cheese crowd that has preferred Obama.

The article is too long to pick it all apart, but here are a few choice selections:

A swing through France was not on Mitt Romney’s agenda during his recent trip abroad, but no one here seemed to be disappointed. With the election of President Francois Hollande, the summer holidays, the crisis in the euro zone and various social plans, the French have their heads elsewhere.

So if there weren’t all of those things going on the French would potentially care about the Republican candidate?

Durpaire called this lack of attention “a return to normalcy. Four years ago, the Republican convention did not interest many people.

Oh, they wouldn’t, but hey, still seems like a valid thing to say, because fuck it, we’re trying our very hardest to talk shit on Romney, right?

It’s a stark contrast to the response to then-Democratic candidate Barack Obama’s highly publicized trip almost four years ago. His brief visit to Paris drew dozens of onlookers outside the gates of the Elysée Palace.

Yes, a stark contrast to Obama, who unlike Romney, had the power to draw an upwards of twenty four, maybe even thirty six, onlookers in one of the largest cities in the world. The difference is night and day. Also none of those people were registered American voters, but whatever. Although maybe that’s a good turnout for a country as apathetic as France. After all one of their great literary works of the 20th Century featured a protagonist so nihilistic that he didn’t even care about being guillotined.

“The French were under-informed about Romney’s nomination, which is why he remains largely unknown,”

Unknown? That’s a little different than disliked. But wait, don’t worry, they MIGHT dislike Romney for reasons both vague and stereotypical.

“Republicans suffer from two stereotypes in France: one advocating a lawless capitalism and the other advocating racist policies. The Republican Party’s opposition to affirmative action, for example, is very misunderstood,” lamented Pierre Toullec, chairman of the Mitt Romney France political committee, which seeks to explain U.S. policy from the Republican perspective rather than to unite expatriated American voters in France.

A) It’s good to know that it isn’t just Americans that don’t understand American politics… I guess. B) Why would the opinion of people who can’t vote and according to their own countrymen have no idea what they’re talking about be important AT ALL? This is more useless the opinion of an ESPN SportsNation poll about soccer.

Even right-wing French elected officials are in no hurry to defend their conservative counterpart.

Yet Romney has significant assets with which to seduce the French public.

When the Huff Post says “assets” they’re actually talking about the fact that Romney has lived in France as a missionary and can fluently speak the language, not his considerable wealth. That said, when I see “assets” alongside “seducing the French” I assume money is what’s being implied if only because I like imagining French hookers. My grandfather’s stories about them were so vivid. But really, Romney’s not seducing the French because THEY AREN’T THE ONES VOTING.

Although a major reversal of French public opinion seems unlikely, the Republican candidate could still see his fame skyrocket in early September.

Sweet Mormon Jesus no one cares. No one. At all. Not even R-Money. This is the most inconsequential thing that could have ever been written about Mitt Romney’s campaign. On the scale of things that affect Romney’s presidential bid this ranks somewhere between “campaign bus running over a small nail” and “poor snack selection causing interns to become disgruntled.”

The French sort of don’t like Mitt Romney. Big fuckin’ deal.

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