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The Houston Texans Are Complete Morons If They Don’t Take Johnny Manziel

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Minnesota Timberwolves v Houston Rockets

I’m not an NFL scout.

I’m not here to talk about Johnny Football’s fucking footwork, throwing motion, or pocket-passing proficiency. It’s not that those things aren’t important, but they’ve been discussed and dissected by every major sports analyst from here to Bangladesh. I’m here to talk about other factors, which, for a guy that just spent seven years watching Matt Schaub lumber around inside the pocket like a giant, elderly sloth with a severe case of osteoporosis, are much more important.

The NFL is meant to be entertaining, and no player in this year’s draft will be more entertaining than Manziel. That’s not even up for discussion. If you think watching Jadeveon Clowney do a little dance after making a tackle in the backfield will be beat watching Johnny Football scramble like an over-caffeinated chicken for a 72-yard touchdown, or get his head literally ripped off his body by a linebacker that didn’t bite on a juke, then you are outside your damn mind.

You might’ve noticed that one of those possible outcomes was a spectacular touchdown run, and the other was Manziel being brutally decapitated. My point is that whether or not his game “translates” to the NFL is almost irrelevant to me, because either way it’s going to be extremely entertaining to watch his saga unfold. (Although I do have faith in his game.)

Do you have any idea how devastatingly boring it is to watch your team lose 14 consecutive games when they were predicted to be Super Bowl contenders? That’s what the Houston Texans did in 2013, and for season ticket holders like myself, it was beyond brutal. We were three field goals away from going 0-16. Speaking of which, it’s probably time to remove last year’s schedule from the team’s official website, and attempt to sweep that whole season under the rug and out of the history books, like China or North Korea does with their bad press. At least I’ll be mildly entertained if we lose 14 in a row with Manziel at the helm.

Kentucky v Wisconsin

If you watched him play at Texas A&M, or own a television, or have internet access, or live in the midst of a populated, civilized area of the United States, you’re fully aware of just how captivating and electrifying his play is on the field. Yet he has somehow managed to be even more entertaining off the field. Some people see this as a negative. Those people are uptight, boring turds.

What happened to the days of “Broadway” Joe Namath? Who says it’s required that quarterbacks be straight-laced losers? I want my quarterback dating Maxim babes and banging out Instagram models on a regular basis while partying with Drake and appearing in McDonald’s commercials alongside LeBron James. I want my team to get nonstop coverage on ESPN. I want the world’s biggest celebrities in attendance at their games. That’s what Manziel brings to the table. Sure, he might get himself into a little trouble now and then, but that’s all part of the maturation process for a baller. If you think watching Jadeveon Clowney do a little dance after splitting a sack with J.J. Watt will beat watching Johnny Football do cocaine out of a stripper’s ass on TMZ, then you are outside your damn mind.

2014 NFL Scouting Combine

People say you vote for the presidential candidate you can see yourself having a beer with. I vote for the number one pick I can see myself getting arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct with after shotgunning Four Lokos outside the car in a Jack in the Box drive thru at 3 o’clock in the morning on a Tuesday.

You want to put asses in your stadium’s seats? You want to recapture the attention of your fanbase? This kid is the answer.

And that, uptight turds, is why the Houston Texans would be complete fucking morons not to take Johnny Manziel with the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft. Pay the man.

Images via Getty Images

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

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