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The Haunting Of Room 4

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Our story begins with Brad, the very first resident of Room 4. Brad was your typical stoner. He smoked weed regularly, thought he was going to open a marijuana dispensary once (if) he graduated, and occasionally dabbled in pill popping.

One fateful Friday night, Brad purchased two Ambien pills from his dealer up the street. You see, Brad was planning on running a little experiment. He wanted to take the pills and see if he could successfully jack off before he succumbed to the drug’s effect. He had heard of this ritual from Seth Rogan’s character in “The Forty-Year-Old Virgin” and arrived at the conclusion that it sounded like an awesome way to spend his evenings. Nothing too out of the ordinary. Just a man on a masturbation mission. 

Brad readied his drugs and his lube before settling in and taking one of his Ambien tablets. He decided to only consume one pill because he had never taken Ambien before and was worried how his body would react to it. Brad, being a man of simple pleasures, was especially excited about his one-pill policy because he had not only figured out a way to refrain from overloading his system on a foreign substance, but he would also have another pill to repeat his examination on the following day. Pretty damn smart for a man that named his Labrador Retriever “Dinosaur.” So after what I can only assume was a scientifically successful night (Brad was not known by the ladies for his longevity), Brad awoke the next day to find that BOTH of his Ambien pills had disappeared. 

Here is where the story gets a little spooky. Brad was adamant that he only consumed one pill over the course of Friday night. Yet, somehow, both pills were gone by time the sun had risen Saturday morning. How could that be? How could a man have two Ambien pills, only take one, and then somehow not have any? It’s as if the other pill had disappeared into thin air, sucked into a spectral dimension far different from our own. After Brad had frantically searched his room for the missing pill and found nothing, he came to an extremely logical and rational explanation: Room 4 was haunted. And worse, whatever was haunting it had a drug problem. 

The haunting’s legacy continued with the Room 4’s next tenant, Anthony. Anthony was an arrogant little fuck who liked to brag about his proficiency at giving women orgasms. He was so incessant with his boasting that eventually the other brothers in the house were incredibly impressed with his ability and wanted to learn his secret to sexual prowess.

A few of the brothers decided that the best way to discover what made Anthony so sexually lethal would be to investigate the next time he had a girl in his room. Now, around the time Anthony moved into the fraternity house, Anthony had gotten himself a girlfriend named Amy. So, all the brothers had to do was wait until Amy came over and then ask her how Anthony successfully rung her bell.

It wasn’t long after they had settled on this tactic that Amy and Anthony returned from a night of bar-hopping and went upstairs to his room. They waited patiently outside the door to Room 4, and finally, Amy emerged from within with shoes in-hand, ready to return to her apartment. When they asked her how Anthony was so triumphant in fulfilling her needs every evening, her face turned pale and contorted into an eerie expression of pain and longing. She quickly responded, “You will have to ask him, but I didn’t quite make it tonight,” and hurriedly left the house. It was like she had seen a ghost.

The brothers confronted Anthony with what they had seen and heard, and Anthony was shocked to hear of his botched performance. Anthony said that he didn’t understand, and that every time he and Amy had sex in other places, he was always able to make Amy’s blood boil. She had even told him that the reason she is so quiet and zoned out during sex was because she was trying to keep from passing out due to his amazing sexual power. Anthony came to the only explanation that makes sense: The room itself must have been the issue. Of course that was it. Amy was so unnerved by the otherworldly presence in the room, she couldn’t achieve orgasm, even though Anthony is gifted at giving her orgasms. Is there no limit to this Specter’s power? 

Room 4’s legacy is filled with stories bordering on the ethereal. No matter what takes place in the room, no one can ever account for how or why the event actually ensued. Even now, the room’s current tenant, Chris, complains of supernatural occurrences.

Chris swears he definitely works diligently on his school work, but when he actually attends his classes, it’s like he hasn’t studied the material at all. How is that possible? How can Chris be such a meticulously hard worker and still fail all of his exams? Chris says there is ONLY one explanation: the apparition that haunts Room 4 has developed some kind of mind erasing ability where it is able to extract knowledge from the human brain. Of course he’s right. It’s not like Chris is stupid or anything.

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Wooden hulled, three masted heavy frigate. Named by President George Washington.

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