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Let’s get this out of the way: Bud Light, Keystone, and Natty Ice probably nursed you from the sniveling pledge you were to the matured brother you are today. But we’re mammals, and every mammal must leave the teat. Whiskey is what the distinguished fraternity man drinks.
Be that man. Be the whiskey man. The whiskey man stands for economy, efficiency, and good taste. He likes that six-year aged bourbon costs less per drink than Bud Light. He enjoys how it brings inebriation quickly. He feels invigorated by its flavors of oak and fire. Drinking straight whiskey demonstrates fortitude and strength. Don’t believe it? Who fucks with the dude carrying a bottle of Jack around with him all night? No one. That guy doesn’t feel pain, and is probably an alcoholic.
Furthermore, an appreciation for whiskey benefits you down the line. Once you’re working your white collar job, keep a bottle at the ready. When the bossman or client comes in for an important talk, pull out your two tumblers and pour. Not only does that exude class, but it’s also a brilliant excuse to day-drink. This creates a great dynamic: the more meetings you schedule, the drunker you get and the more successful you will become. As you climb the ladder, you’ll soon be kickin’ it with the board. There, you’ll find the old farts who will appreciate your respect for time-honored traditions — the traditions wherein you drink and get money.
Now that I’ve presented this infallible argument, it’s time to get started. But we can’t deceive ourselves here: sipping hard liquor can be unpleasant. Thankfully, there are tried and true cocktails that can get you where you need to go. Old fashioneds and whiskey sours are a great jumping off point. After a while, try it on the rocks. Eventually you’ll be ready for whiskey neat. Congratulations! You’re finally a goddamn man.
When trying different labels, know that good whiskey should go down smooth. Look for bottles that are around 12 years old; that’s when you get the perfect balance of smoothness, flavor, and affordability. At the store, you’ll notice whiskey is usually divided into bourbon, which is American, and scotch, which is Scottish. Bourbon is typically sweet and spicy, while scotch can be more fruity and smoky. Solid brands like Evan Williams, Ballantine’s, and Johnnie Walker do nicely for less than a buck a shot. If you want to go bad and boujee, Four Roses and Glenfiddich won’t disappoint. If you happen to piss money, Yamazaki 18 and Macallan 15 are excellent.
Over time, you may notice side effects. Increased hair may sprout from your chest, and your one rep maxes might increase explosively. Beer guts are known to shrink. Some have reported waking up one day with a Nick Offerman mustache and an inexplicable urge to fell trees. If this sounds terrifying to you, maybe you’re just not cut out for the whiskey man lifestyle. It’s tough being the whiskey man.
On a parting note, remember to respect the whiskey. This shit ain’t 4% beer, and if consumed irresponsibly, you not only disrespect the craft of the drink but will get fucked up real quick. Then you might piss on the SAE house, making laser eye contact with the residents as they call the police. After, you might dial your ex to confess how much she reminds you of your mom. You might die. All these things are no bueno.
But enough of me being a Debbie Downer — a whole new world of drunkenness awaits. Venture forth and ascend to whiskey manhood. Cheers..
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