NEW TFM Videos Section

Watch thousands of hilarious videos from college campuses across the country.

Watch Now

The Girl Who Says She’s Not Here For Hookups Will Never Find A Boyfriend

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

The Girl Who Doesn't Hook-Up Will Never Find A Boyfriend

Earlier this week, I was swiping on Bumble. I swipe a lot. I find that there’s a yin-yang-like beauty to searching for love while I poop (what a story for the grandkids – “Well I had some bad Indian food and Nana just happened to catch my eye.”). I like Bumble because the girls have to talk to the guys first. It takes a certain amount of confidence to make that first move. I think that’s hot. Imagine if a girl came right up to you at a bar, grabbed your nuts, looked you in the eyes, and said, “That’ll do.” It’s a little like that.

As all guys know, it takes a lot to make that first move. Sure, we talk about all the chicks we get and how much “puss we are pounding” (my mom and I speak on the phone daily), but we also put this thing called alcohol in our body to make the whole thing a lot easier. Opening up that conversation is an admission that our penis moved when we saw your face and you could feel very differently (dry). So, understanding the vulnerability that girls are taking over, it’s easy to understand why so many of their profiles would say “Not here for hookups.” But, the women of the world are making a huge mistake.

I hate when I see the “Not here for hookups” bio. And not because I’m assuming any girl without that bio is automatically “here for hookups.” If that were the case, the apps wouldn’t exist. Guys would’ve resorted to putting in so little effort that women would be fine with going back to their fathers trading them for a goat. I hate the bio because there’s no bigger turn off. There’s nothing you could write that’s less sexy. I imagine a girl writes that bio while adjusting her turtleneck sweater. It’s a bio that skips so many steps that it’s almost too assumptive. Imagine for a second if my bio said, “Not here for Sunday night on the couch watching TV. Oh, and also, not here to listen to your dumb story about your friend that isn’t even your friend.” How many dates am I getting? Why would you ever want to meet me if I’ve taken the one thing off the table that you’re yearning towards?

And the response from women is that they just want to be up front. They don’t want a guy assuming that this is just another one of those “dating app sex meetups.” Um, that loud narrative couldn’t be more false. Yes, hookups happen from these apps but no guy assumes all women are there to hook-up and that’s it. We play that part. We act like we don’t know that the ultimate goal is a relationship even though you say you’re cool with just “hanging out.” All that bio is? An admission of a lack of confidence. It shows she’s a girl who doesn’t trust herself to be wanted if she sticks to her own morals and standards that she expects from a guy. If a girl walked into a McDonald’s and screamed, “I’m not here for french fries! Don’t even offer them to me” I’d assume she really wanted some french fries. That if she had just a few french fries, she’d have all of them and then start sucking on a milkshake while she exclaims, “I swear I never do this.” The restaurant rolls their eyes.

The real issue with that bio is that it eliminates the chase. The chase is really what gets a guy going. Even if you really aren’t meeting a guy from an app to hook-up, every guy wants to feel like he achieved you. That doesn’t happen when you try to spell things out ahead of time. When you tell a guy he needs to take you out three times and then he can see half an areola as if your dad wrote that out in a contract with a feather pen. Think of guys like dogs, and you’re the owner with the treat. When you fake throw that treat the dog runs away to try and look for it. When he realizes it was never thrown, he comes back just as excited for that same treat. It’s sad we are that simple, but that should be a relief for women.

If I’m a girl who wants a boyfriend, I change my bio to, “Here to bang and see what happens.” I know this seems extreme, but it’s just the owner holding that treat out. The “Down to bang” girl is saying she’s in control. That she holds all the treats. That if the guy plays everything right, he will get what he wants above all else. But “playing everything right” is pretty vague. Maybe that means taking her on a date. Maybe that means waiting till date twelve. Maybe it’s been awhile for her; you seem clean, nice, and respectful and you offered to pay. Who knows. But she’s definitely getting a boyfriend before the girl who isn’t there to hook-up.

Email this to a friend


Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

25 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

The Feed