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Each week I answer the questions to all of life’s greatest mysteries. To be apart of next week’s Four Pack, email me at email@example.com (not .com)
What’s the biggest animal you could kill with your bare hands? – Teddy
If this is a home game, I can work the biggest known mammal in the world like it’s my own personal heavy bag with combo after combo. Jab-jab-cross. Jab-cross-hook-cross. Jab-Ali shimmy-people’s elbow. Beach a blue whale on land and I’m harpooning that big ball of immovable blubber with fist of Japanese mariner fury.
Sure, it may technically die from dehydration and my fifteen second haymaker sessions followed by ten minutes of catching my breath may not be doing as much damage as originally anticipated, but I’m chalking it up as a W regardless.
Other than that, all of us could definitely murk a soft ass Aardvark any day of the week. One shot to that schnozzle and it’s lights out for Arthur.
Is she ever coming back? – Justin
No. It’s time to move on, man. I didn’t want to have to be the guy to tell you this, but she is currently getting ravaged by a bigger and better looking guy in the laundry room of the ATO house. He has her pinned up against the soda machine, and, well, she’s happy J. And if you ever truly cared, you should be happy for her. Be happy that she’s shaking faster and more uncontrollably than the slanted, thirty-year-old, packed-to-the-brim dryer in the corner. Be happy that she has essentially become a sexual choose your own adventure book with this guy she met less than an hour ago. Be happy…what’s that? Two examples are more than enough? My bad, Justin. But yeah. She ain’t walking through that door again.
Is Phi Gamma Delta (FIJI) a front for the Illuminati? – Matt
You must have read the very accurate and insightful U.K. based piece that was floating around on Facebook the other day about Donald Trump Jr., too. The long and short of it is yes. FIJI went from orchestrating the French revolution and the battle of Waterloo to backdoor deals locking down ADPi for homecoming. We financed the assassination of Lincoln, Kennedy, and Tupac Shakur but can’t seem to allocate chapter funds to fix the drywall holes brothers punch in houses around the country. We’re the unstoppable force that finished in the midst of the intramural Greek Cup standings. The same secret society with the new Vice President, a soon to be member of the Supreme Court, and 10,000 brothers behind on semester dues. FIJI has been pulling the strings all along and there’s nothing we won’t conquer. Unless it’s writing our actual Greek letters on a piece of notepaper. We’re physically incapable of doing such a Herculean feat.
How do you honestly get up and look yourself in the mirror every single day knowing no one loves you? – [Ex girlfriend’s name redacted]
Never directly. The shame in my own eyes would actually blind me like the sun if I ever stared right into these baby blues. If I need to shave or wash my face, I glance out of my peripherals. I believe you’re familiar with this technique as you did date me after all. Always good to hear from you, girl..
To be apart of next week’s Four Pack, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org (not .com)
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