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If you can’t tell, The Simpsons is my favorite television program of all-time. America’s favorite TV family has been a tradition since ’89, and while a number of characters are hardcore leftists (looking at you Lisa, you whiny little so and so. I hope you choke on a kale salad and die broke and… calm down Karl, we talked about this in therapy…) some of these fellas are blue chip recruits. From drunken shenanigans to RFM values, Matt Groening churns out folks you could see yourself grabbing a drink at Moe’s with.
Nelson Muntz – The future of hazing once he gets a football scholarship. Might knock someone up before that, though; poor kids can’t afford abortions. Tentative prospect.
Dr. Hibbert – Educated, rich, and laughs when he tells you you’re screwed. Incapable of losing his temper, however. No rage, no respect.
Moe Szyslak – The 7th year senior. That boozy old guy who cusses a blue streak at the slightest provocation. Has no game, though, so a bid isn’t 100 percent.
Duff Man – “Duff Man is thrusting in the direction of the problem. Oh yeah!” Deal breaker? Dude likes to dress like a Duff Woman.
Ralph Wiggum – If you don’t like Ralph, then fuck you. Only problem? Kid will definitely never end up making it to college.
The Top 10:
10. Ned Flanders
“This Jesus freak?” “Mr. Monogamy?” “Does he even drink?” Valid points, and the reason why he’s in the bottom slot. Despite his kind nature, Ned is prone to snapping when the time comes. He managed to overcome his dirty beatnik parents to become a successful businessman in a niche market. He also brings strong Christian values to the table. Aside from that, the guy is a freak athlete and would be a huge leg up during IM season. Every chapter needs a Risk Manager who’s kind of a pushover, and Ned would perfectly fill out this role. Besides, check that sweet mustache. You know Maude went for a few rides on that clit-tickler. RIP Maude.
Notable Frat Quote: “Milk me!” -Treehouse of Horror XIII, 14.1
9. Rainier Wolfcastle
The guy who started as a spinoff of Arnie snowballed into a genuine character. His popular McBain series landed him a smoke wife and a sweet Ferrari, and also ended up being one of the best running gags in the series. Watch them all back to back — life changing stuff. He’s also a proud member of the Springfield Republicans and spends most of his downtime fixing elections or keeping goons like Bart off his daughter.
Notable Frat Quote: “McBain to base, under attack by commie-nazis.” – King of the Hill, 9.23
8. Bart Simpson
You knew the kid was cracking the list; you just didn’t know when. His disdain for authority and wacky misadventures lend themselves perfectly to the frat life, and the kid flat out pulls. Wolfcastle’s daughter? Got her. A female inmate who was edgy-hot? Check. Cletus’ daughter (who ended up a country music star)? Bart had her eating more than just his shorts. Unfortunately, the kid still thinks skateboarding is cool and suffers from being an insufferable douche. A little hazing would get that all figured out, but since he’s 10, it’ll be a few years before he gets the chance to hit the FUCKING wall.
Notable Frat Quote: “I’m Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?”- Nearly once an episode.
7. Barney Gumble
Good old Barney. Not only is he the most dependable guy in town, but the guy’s a lot more than just a drunk. Before he hits Moe’s Tavern, he’s one of the classiest guys there is. Slicked hair, always in a polo, and rocking a sick pocket watch. Once he hits that bottle, though, it’s game on. Barney is that brother who knocks out all his responsibilities by noon. By the time everyone else gets back from class, he’s drunk as a skunk and pissing on the neighbor’s dog. When he went sober, the guy managed to become a helicopter pilot and save a fine ass reporter from lava-death, and lava-death is distinctly NF.
Notable Frat Quote: “All I can remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner.” – City of NY vs Homer Simpson, 9.1
6. Abraham “Grampa” Simpson
The Old Man. Former pro wrestler Gorgeous Godfrey. The man who made Homer the degenerate he is. What a life this guy has had. After lying about his age to fight in WWI (he was five at the time), he became a fighter pilot in WWII. The guy was an Olympic caliber athlete who nearly killed Hitler with a javelin. Never one to let the truth get in the way of a good story, Grampa can tell you how life was during the Depression and how easy this god-awful pledge class has it compared to his war buddies. Is there a good pledge who needs a firm talking to? Send him to Abe and he’ll whip that son of a bitch into shape. If you need any more convincing, just remember that shitting your pants is FaF.
Notable Frat Quote: “You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I’d never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man’s eyes. Thank heaven for children.” – Bart the General, 1.5
5. Carl & Lenny
Narcissism. It’s a TFM. These two are the most inseparable buds since Magnum and T.C., so they had to be ranked together. When they aren’t crushing brews down at Moe’s, they’re crushing ass at… somewhere. They work a well-paying job that they’re DEFINITELY not qualified for, and they don’t even fuck it up too bad. If that’s not the American dream, I don’t know what is. They’re also part of Springfield’s Secret Society, The Stonecutters, where they outranked Burns before that fat sack of Simpson messed it all up. Despite the ambiguity of their “relationship,” it’s pretty obvious to anyone with a best friend that these guys are just the definition of bros.
Notable Frat Quote: “Lenny: ‘It’s a good thing you stopped smoking that magic grass Homer. You were getting spaced out.’ Carl: ‘Yeah we were planning an intervention that night, but I got alcohol poisoning.’” – Weekend at Burnsie’s, 13.16
4. Mayor Joe Quimby
“Diamond Joe,” as he’s known, is the epitome of frat. The only reason he isn’t higher on the list is because he’s not a major feature and playing second fiddle is NF. The guy makes money (from bribes), slays beauty queens (thanks to bribe money), and manages to stay in office season after season. Let this guy handle those IFC jabronis and you’d never hear another peep from them. Fuck that, plug him in at President and watch him lift your chapter from top tier to superpower. Just know that when you get caught, Diamond Joe isn’t going down with the ship. The man is, first and foremost, a self-preservationist.
Notable Frat Quote: “Just remember you represent the office of the mayor. Always comport yourself in a matter fitting… quick, honk at that broad.” – Mayored to the Mob, 10.9
3. Homer Jay Simpson
It physically hurts me, but you know the guy belongs here. Despite a general lack of humility, accomplishments, or anything remotely resembling a conscience, the man is a winner. Marge is a total dime and doesn’t belong with a guy like Homer, but even when he runs off to join the circus or gets a new job for the 800th time, there she is. He’s a Duff-drinking, woman-pleasing, kid-strangling type of guy. Despite resting on his laurels, the man manages to come out on top even in the worst situations. When it comes down to it, the big reason Homer is frat is because everyone loves him. 27 years later and he’s still large, in charge, and banging Marge.
Notable Frat Quote: “All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say ‘Yo Goober, where’s the meat?’” Lisa the Vegetarian, 7.5
2. The Rich Texan
I’m going to take a moment and let everyone from Texas jizz their collective pants. Good? Good. Only going by a nickname, whether it’s “The Bone Ranger” or “The Texan,” is a power move. The guy might act like new money trash, but sometimes you just have to throw that dough. The Second Amendment? He’s all about it. The only other character to pop off a few rounds an episode is Snake, and he’s a piece of shit. The Texan never doesn’t whip out his pistols to make a point, and the guy has bought out Burns at least five times. Unlike Burns, he’s also a likable human being.
Notable Frat Quote: “Cowboy hat just means you have a small penis. Don’t even ask what these (guns) means. Yee-hah! I’m compensatin’!” – The Fabulous Faker Boy, 24.20
1. C. Montgomery Burns
Who else? Not only is the man old money, he owns an entire town. You like to brag about how much you love Teddy and Reagan? Burns funded their campaigns. Like Abe, Burns is a World War vet. He’s also the head of the Springfield Republicans and is always working to further his party’s goals. If you’ve never imagined what it’s like to “release the hounds” on those who wrong you, your idea of a hound is likely small, hairless, and Mexican. Having someone attempt to assassinate you is the epitome of frat, and surviving is a power move. Monty, as his non-existent friends call him, easily takes the crown on this list.
Notable Frat Quote: To Marge- “You don’t have to sue me to get my pants off.” – Marge Gets a Job, 4.7.
Image via YouTube