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Every Fraternity Needs A Chapter Goon Who’s Willing To Fight

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Violence isn’t always the answer, but, sometimes, it’s just damn fun. Your local watering hole or frat castle is just a place unless you spice it up with a few thrown hands and some serious opinions. Sure, there are folk who think fighting is juvenile, but that’s because they have soft knuckles and softer jaws. Brawls are part of our identity, and the dudes who refuse to swing might be cool, but they’ll never be legends. Sure, your parties might be outstanding, but if you don’t have that one guy who is itching to drop gloves and mix it up then you’ll never sniff top tier status.

That goon is an anomaly in any fraternal circle. A regular Joe by day, this man is the go-to guy when shit eventually hits the fan. He’s the one who your entire chapter only refers to as “that son of a bitch” regardless of setting. It’s a proven fact that any squad needs muscle, but there’s a pronounced difference between a gym rat and “that son of a bitch” who can really rock someone’s world. He might be loud or he might be quiet, but this dude lives only to exact judgement on those puny types who want to start trouble. Sometimes it’s a potential rushee who insists on taking his shirt off that needs a good jaw-jacking. Usually, it’s the rivals trying to show up and crash your party. Either way, your goon is ready to crack skulls and establish dominance without repayment.

Every one of your brothers should be ready to hop in and throw down when things go south, but the guy leading the way typically has a bent nose and some serious mental demons. Maybe his dad only showed him affection with a belt and some whiskey. Maybe playing Mike linebacker and throwing half nelsons in high school just didn’t give him the fulfillment he was looking for. Realistically, the guy grew up scrapping in the hood or beyond and never knew a different path. Regardless, the chapter found out he wasn’t to be trifled with on fraternity fight night or during his first trip to the bar. You all thought the house meathead was tough, but your upcoming muscle hip tossed him like a fucking rag doll. The guy was born and raised to earn his beer money via bouncing or amateur MMA bouts. It’s not about pride, toughness, or bragging rights, though. The man just has a couple screws loose, which translates perfectly to the low-key violent world of fraternities. Don’t like the term “low-key”? Tell him that and enjoy getting your shit packed.

This isn’t to say that looking for fights will take any chapter from pathetic to perfect. If you’re just a group of instigators, prepare to get knocked out and removed from campus in a matter of weeks. Your Hoss isn’t the person starting problems – he’s the one solving them. A self-respecting goon isn’t the guy on the ice raising havoc. He’s the one that coach sends on when the other team thinks they can bully everyone else. When a questionable guest thinks they can throw your scrawny brother in a headlock for fun, he’ll have a literal madman to deal with. Your fraternity strong arm will take his lumps every now and again, but your chapter would never be the same without a semi-responsible psychopath who’s willing to bleed for it.

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Karl Karlson

Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in Eastern NC where he spends his time roasting pigs and attempting to grow a beard. Karl enjoys drinking on elevated surfaces and rapping on podcasts.

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