The Fraternity Enforcer Always Has Your Back

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This Fight Is Roughly One-Million Times More Entertaining Than Mayweather-Pacquiao

He has a chip on his shoulder, a swagger in his step, and a crook in his nose from being punched in the face countless times over the course of many, many drunken brawls.

He’s the Fraternity Enforcer.

It’s not an official title. There is no label beneath his name on the composite. The role of Fraternity Enforcer is assumed without election or ritual. Rather, it is earned through a proven history of violence.

He’s tough. Maybe he served a few tours in Iraq or Afghanistan. Maybe he grew up on a farm with four older brothers and a father with a “traditional parenting style.” Maybe he’s just a plain kid from the burbs with a mean temper and fast hands. No matter the origin story, there’s one thing every Fraternity Enforcer has in common: he knows how to whoop ass, and he’s not afraid to do it.

When a pint-sized brother with a Napoleon complex talks smack at a much larger guy from a rival fraternity, the Enforcer is the first to step in and make it an even fight. When some asshole cuts the line to enter the student section at a football game, the Enforcer is the first to drag him to the back. And when randos show up at tailgate looking for beer, the Enforcer is the first to ask who they know. He doesn’t wait for a response.

He’s not necessarily the biggest guy in the fraternity, but he is the most fearless. His adversary could be seven feet tall and subsist on a strict diet of anabolic steroids. Doesn’t matter. The Enforcer will still square up.

When it comes to intramurals, his presence on the field is a necessity. The Enforcer may not be able to run or jump or catch, but thanks to him, that rowdy floor hockey opponent won’t be thwacking kids’ shins anymore (won’t be chewing solid food for a few weeks either).

Sure, sometimes the Enforcer may take things too far. Especially during hazing. Replacing the paddle ceremony with a shovel ceremony may have “crossed a line or two” (according to the Risk Manager), but in his defense, we already had the tools we needed to cover our asses and bury a kid if he died. And yeah, singling out the Mexican pledge while they were doing ‘bows ‘n’ toes by squirting a dollop of hot sauce into his bottle caps may have been somewhat “in poor taste,” but if that same pledge ran into some cunt downtown telling him to “go over the wall,” you best believe the Enforcer’s gonna crack some skulls. That’s a promise, esé.

Despite what may seem like staggering evidence to the contrary, the Enforcer is usually a pretty peaceful dude. What? He really is. I mean, certain things may set him off, like people bumping into him downtown or people wearing tie-dye t-shirts, but that’s just because he’s a man of passion. A fiercely loyal one, too – and not just to his brothers. As wild as he is, and as much as his friends have suggested he doesn’t, he has remained steadfast and loyal to the same girl he met on move-in day freshman year. There’s a soft side to even the most aggressive of Enforcers, you see. He’s a mangy lion with a heart of gold and screws in his wrists. He’s a lover not a fighter, but willing to fight for those he loves. He’s the goddamn Fraternity Enforcer – and he’s always got your back.

Check out today’s episode of the Inside TFM Podcast. Special guest, comedian Steven Crowder, tells us about his terrifying showdown with Trigglypuff at UMass, and we answer more of your deranged, drunken questions via phone and email. Listen below:

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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