Everyone loves sorority girls. Whether they’re drinking your beer, asking you for shots, or fondling your balls. No matter the case a gaggle of sorostitutes makes every event exponentially more enjoyable.
While every house celebrates the diversity of their sisterhood (“We even let brunettes rush now!”), there are a few particular cookie-cutter archetypes that every university is bound to have. No matter how hard you try, you can’t avoid running into these five sorority girls in your sexually deviant exploits.
It’s Tuesday night of exam week, and five brothers are choosing to spend valuable study time investigating the scientific effect of Natural Light on the bloodstream. No one texted a soul, it’s just a casual night. That’s when the groupies show up as if some sort of slutty sixth sense lit up in their brains, letting them know their favorite fraternity just cracked open a 30-rack. Either that or they were obsessively checking Twitter and Facebook feeds until they got a clue that guys at the house were doing something. Anything.
Groupies, love them or hate them, are always there. These girls have found a particular affinity for a certain fraternity, and spend nearly every alcoholic hour of their life beneath its hallowed roof. In my experiences I have found that the Groupie typically takes one of two forms.
First, of course, is the Slut Groupie, who spends her precious time at the house because it seems she has made it her personal mission to catalog the exact dimensions of every single brother and pledge’s genitals. This girl effortlessly reached double digit fuck-numbers in your chapter, and that was before she even got initiated. Sure, everyone refers to her as “that wild slut” but you keep her around because she’s always down for a last resort lay. And she’s not NOT fun.
Second is Mrs. Friendzone. She may have done the dirty deed with one or two brothers, but in her exploits she actually somehow attained a large amount of friends in your chapter who for some reason resisted dishing out the old fratwurst. These girls show up to each and every party without hesitation, get absolutely plastered, and somehow believe it or not can actually be a good time to be around even when fully clothed. These girls probably won’t blow you because they’re absolutely terrified of the awkwardness that would ensue, but hey, they’re always around and you’re shitfaced, so it’s at least worth a try.
Bitter Middle Tier
Sorority Rush has an amazing system of classifying girls almost exclusively based on attractiveness. By lining up the crowd of Potential New Members and herding them through house after house like cattle, the bonds of sisterhood truly begin to form as girls are judged from everything from their shoes to their posture.
“She sits ugly. Don’t give her a bid.”
“How does she sit ugly?”
“You know like how you sit after you drunk eat a pizza and you’re all like ‘ew I’m fat’? She does that. And she plops down into the chair and makes this face like she just queefed. Cut.”
Unfortunately, while most of the hot girls end up where they belong, there is always a middle tier girl or two who clearly doesn’t look the part, and is thus horrifically bitter about the world.
Maybe she picked the wrong houses to pref at, maybe she’s just a catty little bitch, either way this girl is going to make sure to let you know how much hotter she is than her sorority. Sure, she tends to express this in a subtle way, by viciously trashing girls in her pledge class when you ask “How was your day?” or by complaining about a recent decision by her admittedly less attractive executive board.
This girl is used to getting most of the attention at socials and parties with her sorority, so don’t be surprised if there’s a line of over-anxious brothers making their attempt to court this bitter semen queen. She might be cynical, and kind of an asshole, but more often than not she’s an absolute freak in the sack, so it’s at least worth a minor effort on your part.
Miss “Slipped through the Cracks”
Ah, sorority recruitment. Such a well-thought out and meticulous process, you would think that year after year the top sororities would pull the most sexually adventurous hot girls, but sadly this is not always the case.
Meet Tabatha, you’re typical 150+ pound addition to the esteemed letters of her sorority. You can always tell when a girl slipped through the cracks because she’s the type that wears letters literally every opportunity she gets. Going jogging, and letting all that flab jiggle on campus? Letters on her chest. Shower at the gym? You better believe she’s bringing an embroidered sorority towel. Even this bitch’s bedsheets are adorned in cute little pandas or lions or whatever the fuck her mascot is.
I shouldn’t have to tell you not to hook up with Miss Slipped Through the Cracks, because she will always be surrounded by her significantly more attractive (and therefore more interesting) pledge sisters. Your best bet is to make a pledge play wingman and distract her when you go in for the kill. Talking to hot girls is a brotherhood privilege, and if he really loves your house he would be more than happy to slay a whale for the brotherhood.
The Barbie Doll
Maybe her dad’s a plastic surgeon, or maybe he just can’t say no to those baby blues when she asks for the checkbook; either way this girl has gotten more than a little work done. I’m all for pumping as much silicone as it takes to make your invisi-tits disappear, but when you’re getting botox, nose jobs, and ass implants in your college years you may have a problem.
It’s not that this girl is materialistic, it’s just that she really really likes expensive things and dicing herself up until she looks like a plastic representation of a Victoria’s Secret model. Emotional baggage with this girl is at a particularly high level, and don’t be surprised to find a few daddy issues cooped up in that surgically enhanced head of hers. By all means, fuck her for the novelty of it, but a second or third go-around is not advised. This girl knows how to get what she wants (money) from the men of the world (her dad, you). Now I’m not saying she’s a gold digger…
The Good Girl
While other girls let their inhibitions fly out the window along with their tops, this girl has grown up with a rigid set of morals that don’t seem to budge. While all her sisters get wasted and sloppily raw-dogged on a nightly basis, she instead chooses to spend her free time studying, watching Pretty Little Liars, and picking up aforementioned raw-dogged sloots.
You would think that by seeing all of the temptation and damn good times surrounding her that this girl’s holier-than-thou attitude would be stifled, but you couldn’t be more wrong. She’ll drink a Natty or two at parties and make a disgusted sour face with each sip before excusing herself to go to bed at 11:30. Her sisters think she’s kind of strange, and before any social with her sorority her Facebook profile is exclusively displayed on the projector to warn brothers that she is a “dead end road.”
You may think that there is nothing actually “good” about The Good Girl, but that’s only because you haven’t broken her yet. Inside of every Bible-verse-Tweeting, church on Sunday sorostitute is a closet freak just trying to break out and terrorize every cock in sight. You might have to take her out to dinner once or twice and fake interest when she quotes scripture, but once you lay this elusive beast down you are in for a treat. Always have an exit strategy though, because girls like this often break into the rarely seen Stage 6 Clinger level. Those back scratches you have are as much from her pleasure as they are from her attempts to literally hold onto you for dear life.
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