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In a heartwarming story of dedication and tenacity, I am honored to deliver the news that Green Bay, Wisconsin, has officially been declared “The Drunkest City in America.” While this is no easy feat, the cheeseheads have left a permanent mark in the hallowed halls of liquor. After being ranked third drunkest in the nation last year, Green Bay residents knew that the 2016-2017 season was their year to claim the title and that is just what they did.
You think the Patriots coming back to win a Super Bowl after a 28-3 third quarter deficit is the greatest modern comeback story? You are hugely mistaken. Green Bay united as a city and buckled down to complete their duty and get drunker than Jim Lahey for a full year, climbing two spots to a first place finish. Was it easy? No. But it had to be done. By crushing the United States’ excess drinking average by six percent, Green Bay beat out major contenders for the title. Notable opponents featured Sheboygan and Eau Claire, Wisconsin, but they were no match for TitleTown, USA.
From USA Today:
Green Bay has 138 bars and more than 26% of adult residents regularly drink to excess or binge drink — the national average is 18%. Binge drinking is defined by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention as men consuming five or more alcoholic drinks in less than two hours, and women consuming four or more alcoholic drinks in less than two hours.
The findings show a trend in Wisconsin overall, too. It’s the second year the state has beat out all other states for the most spots on the list. Of the 20 drunkest cities in the country, 10 are Wisconsin cities: Green Bay (No. 1), Eau Claire (No. 2), Appleton (No. 3), Madison (No. 4), Oshkosh (No. 6), Wausau (No. 9), La Crosse (No. 10), Fond du Lac (No. 12), Sheboygan (No. 15) and Milwaukee rounding out the top 20.
The study also found cities with heavy drinking tend to have better-educated, higher earning and healthier populations than cities with the lowest excessive drinking rates.
Wait, you’re telling me that drinking heavily leads to wealth, education, and good health? Sounds like the perfect excuse for the next time you get caught at $1 tequila shot Tuesday the night before your 7:30 a.m. final exam — you were just trying to get educated. When Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers left their fans out to dry in the playoffs, locals took it into their own hands and claimed a title far superior to Super Bowl champions. Green Bay, you performed a thankless duty for your city and we applaud you for this. As for the rest of the United States’ consumption patterns, to quote Mark Hanna, “Gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket.”
We have all seen the stupid “I’m from a quiet drinking town with a football problem” t-shirts at gas stations, yet Green Bay truly personifies this. Thank you Green Bay for your ways of savagery and liver destruction. If there is one thing to learn from this admirable comeback, it is that TitleTown does only one thing better than win, and that is drink..
[via USA Today]
Image via Shutterstock