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The Drawbacks Of Having A Frat Career

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Undergrad life is great, but eventually we have to enter the real world after walking across that big stage filled with university officials and sleeping professors pushing 90. Most of us came to college with a decent idea of what we wanted to do–maybe your first job choice was billionaire hedge fund manager or genius playboy philanthropist superhero. The idea of continuing your fratting days well into the work world seems like it would be really great, but actually, most of these jobs would absolutely suck ass until you’ve truly made it.

Jobs where you do nothing but count money and fuck porn stars don’t exist, unless you’re a very well-respected porn producer–then that might actually be a thing you can do. I obviously chose the wrong career path as a microbiologist. The only time a porn star would want to see me is the time I’d least likely to want to see her. Your best bet for a job that mimics the debauchery of undergrad with the kind of earning potential and ridiculous antics that our extravagant and often willfully dangerous lives demand would be in finance. You could probably find a calling in medicine as well, if you go the Beverly Hills OBGYN route like Otter from “Animal House,” though that could have some pretty serious issues on its own. Gynecologists see some pretty terrifying shit, I’m sure.

The jobs that fit the same kind of lifestyle our undergraduate Greek years emphasize tend to require a lot of social interaction, which is great. The problem with this is that unless you couple social interaction with a bunch of other skills, it pretty much sets you up for “head social media bitch” or “insurance salesman.” I’ve done the latter, and trust me–it sucks gigantic gorilla balls coated in arsenic. All of you will be offered jobs selling insurance as soon as you put your resume online. Don’t listen to their compliments on your awesome social skills, because cold calling random old people for eight hours a day has to be something dragged from the lowest levels of hell, like Nickelback and “Who Let The Dogs Out?”

The jobs that do require other skills combined with our unique set of leadership and social skills tend to be really fulfilling and interesting–but only if you actually qualify for them. Being a CEO would be fucking awesome, but there are only so many of those and all the positions between corporate bottom bitch and CEO are varying levels of good and bad. It’s a slog to get to the top, and you will probably have to crawl through a few miles of metaphorical shit to get there. At the end of the line, you might just be the guy who gets to rail blow off of beautiful Hollywood starlets and spend your work hours on a yacht big enough to crush a fleet of fishing boats. You could also be the guy getting him his coffee and getting shit on in meetings. The line between the two is razor thin.

Once you have hit the high life of being the big swinging dick in the neighborhood, things still aren’t easy. With great power comes great pussy, but also great responsibility. If your company embezzled millions of dollars, you could be on the hook. Then the only pounding you’ll be doing is in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. You know what prisons don’t have? Porn stars with daddy issues. That doesn’t sound fun. For the vast majority of people who make it to that level, life is great. It’s not perfect, but if you can’t find a way to be happy with millions of dollars, beautiful women, and the power to move entire industries, I can’t help you. The hours will be intense though, because power requires a lot of sacrifices. The presidents all go gray for a reason, after all–you try running the free world for four to eight years. I know my freshman drinking problem would return with a vengeance if I was in those shoes, and God knows the country couldn’t handle that intense of a cleaning bill for the drapes, sheets, and carpet in the Lincoln bedroom every weekend. We’d have to raise the fucking debt ceiling just to pay my dry cleaning bills.

My point is, don’t do a job just because it sounds like something other people will find interesting. You have to want to do the job. Every job has drawbacks, and “fratty” jobs are some of the toughest because they tend to put you in roles with a lot of long hours and hard decisions. They’re worth pursuing, because nothing short and easy is going to be all that good (consequently, don’t fuck slutty midgets). But your life isn’t going to be all “The Wolf of Wall Street” all the time. More than likely, you’ll have to go through an extended 10 year pledgeship before you even make it to the big leagues–but if you can hack it, the career you get out of it has the potential to be incredible.

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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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