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It’s Dickpocalypse. Across the world this week, men are unzipping their flies and showing the ladies what they’re working with at an alarming rate –- especially on college campuses. There’s a flasher on the loose at JMU:
There’s a pot-bellied man dangling his dude piston in front of sorority girls at the University of Georgia:
And there’s a man in the U.K. going to jail for 17 years for checking the temperature with his 100% all-beef thermometer:
With all these dicks out, I feel it is my responsibility as a journalist to inform the male populace how to unleash the one-eyed monster on unsuspecting passersby both safely and responsibly.
The unexpected sight of a naked penis in a public venue can either be hilarious or terrifying. It’s all about context, folks. For example, streaking through the quad is hilarious. But unsheathing your pork sword for a select group of ladies walking by at nighttime may be construed as rapey and threatening rather than funny and jiggly.
Now, I know what you’re all thinking: What if I stick on some googly eyes, wrap a string around it, and put on a puppet show between my legs? That is always okay. People might even throw money at you if you do it in Vegas.
It is NOT okay, however, to say “en garde” and assume a fencing position with your erect penis in-hand. Again, too much of a threatening vibe.
Now, whipping it out as a means of intimidating an opponent during an athletic competition is another animal entirely. Exposing just the testicles is always kosher. Look your opponent in the eyes, and, without breaking eye contact, lift the bottom of your athletic shorts until the testes are exposed. This simple yet effective gesture lets your opponent know that the playing field is, indeed, your house. If your opponent responds aggressively to this display of force, then you reveal your shaft.
Exposing oneself can also be an effective means of rising up the corporate ladder at a job or internship. Wait for a male boss or superior to head into the bathroom and use the urinal. Follow behind and use the urinal directly next to him. Size is irrelevant. It’s about showing him you have the confidence to perform under pressure.
If you’re still unsure about whether or not to put your middle leg forward, refer to this nifty checklist.
DO whip it out in public if:
∙She tells you to.
∙There is a small fire and you are well-hydrated.
∙The canoe or kayak you are riding in springs a leak roughly three to five inches in diameter.
∙You have a weird freckle and you’re sitting next to a nursing major.
∙It’s raining out, your scrotum is especially stretchy, and a nearby midget forgot his umbrella.
∙Remove the bar code from a summer sausage, put it on your shaft, and scan it in front of a cute cashier.
∙Tell people you’re a reporter for Rolling Bone and ask if they can “talk into the microphone.”
∙Offer to let someone borrow your “joystick” when the Xbox controller runs out of battery.
∙Paint it green, shout “Aaaah it Godjirra!” and knock over someone’s drink.
Remember these tips and spread joy – not terror – with your cock and balls..
Image via Shutterstock