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The Different Types Of Drunk Texts

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Drunk texting is a classic American pastime, just like baseball, apple pie and hating Ashton Kutcher. But drunk texting is a very complicated eight headed beast. It takes many many different forms, and each one presents vastly different emotional implications and potential personal consequences with the people in your life.

You should always be educated on these types of things, continuing to sharpen your expertise. As Nobel Peace Prize winner/ former president of the United States, G.I. Joe once said while accepting his 177th Emmy a few weeks ago, “Knowing is half the battle.” So with that in mind, let’s break down the different types of intoxicated text messages.

The horny text — “I can’t wait to fuck the shit out of you later”
The romantic text — “I miss you so much, hope you’re having an amazing night”
The confessional text — “I fucked your friend Cindy in the ass last Monday while you were at work”
The catch her off guard text –“Forrest Gump is overrated”

The angry text — “Fuck you, I hope you’re happy with Jonathan.”
The romantic text — “I miss you, I can treat you better than Jonathan”
The horny text — “Come over, I wanna fuck you…and Jonathan.”
The wildcard text — “Forrest Gump is overrated.”

Random girl you’ve slept with once
The subtle flirt — “We should hang again sometime”
The obvious flirt — “You should come over”
The really obvious flirt — “Come over so we can sexual intercourse and I can insert my penis into your vagina”
The surefire response text — “Forrest Gump is overrated”

Emotional text — “I fuckin love you, dude”
Stupid ass inside joke text — “Insert your annoying inside joke here”
The text telling him how drunk you are for some reason — “I’m so fucked up right now”
The end a friendship text — “Forrest Gump is overrated”

The not realizing how late it is text — “I need you to call the bank. My card keeps getting rejected.”
The emotional text — “I’m so sad right now, I don’t know why, can you talk?”
The have your parents thinking you’re on drugs text — “Forrest Gump is overrated”

The I’m so drunk text — “How’ve you been?”
The I miss you text — “Did you steal my shirt when we were back home?”
The I love you text — “Forrest Gump is overrated”

The fake friend text — “hey bro”
The bitter and aggressive text — “fuck you, dude”
-The fighting words text — “Forrest Gump is overrated”

Tom Hanks
The initial text — “Toy Story is my shit”
The he didn’t respond text — “Toy Story 2, too.”
The keep digging yourself in a no response grave text — “And of course, Toy Story 3”)
The Toy Story 4 text — “But please don’t do a Toy Story 4, the series ended perfectly”
The saving grace text — “The Da Vinci Code was lowkey underrated tho”
The fuck you for not responding fast enough text — “Forrest Gump blows”

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Wally Bryton

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