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I’ve never been more let down by an ancient civilization than I was when the clock struck midnight on December 21, 2012, and everyone at some End of the World party let out a collective sigh. We were all very drunk and also, unfortunately, very unraptured. You had one job, Mayans. One job.
But now, almost five years later, I’m back on my apocalypse bullshit hard after a dude on the Giorgio from Ancient Aliens end of the Woke Spectrum named David Meade predicted that the world is going to end on September 23. Also known as this Saturday.
Some NASA scientist allegedly debunked Meade’s claims, but I think I speak for all of us when I say, fuck NASA. A bunch of tryhards trying to ruin a perfectly sound doomsday theory. Anyone with two brain cells believes that it’s a mortal lock for this Saturday to be the apocalypse we’ve all been waiting for.
With that in mind, this means that you’ll need to make your End of the World plans accordingly. But you can’t just roll on up to the Doomsday Party if you’re not prepared to be a complete and total degenerate. Naturally, you’ll be shit hammered and on all of the drugs. That’s just a given. But if you really want to make Saturday’s apocalypse one that no one will remember, consider the following guidelines.
Instigate exactly three fights.
Your adrenaline is pumping like crazy from all of the illicit substances coursing through your veins, which means it’s time to start decking some goobers. Now, the number three is crucial here. Any less and you’re not doing your due diligence as a degenerate. But four and above is seriously pushing it. You want to be a degenerate, not an asshole.
Steal a car.
Sure, dishing out KOs is cool and all, but you did way more coke than you thought was humanly possible, and you still need to do something with all of that energy. Considering the circumstances, people probably won’t be guarding their belongings all that closely, so it’ll be easy to snatch someone’s keys right from out of their pockets.
In a matter of minutes, you’ll be Vin Dieseling some sap’s ride into the nearest tree before jumping out at the last second. You’re bound to feel a serious rush, and the irony of escaping death just mere hours before everyone’s dead anyway will be sure to induce a hearty chuckle.
Declare your undying love for a chick, and then immediately hook up with her best friend.
As it nears closer to Doomsday, everyone’s going to start getting super sentimental. This is the perfect time to strike. For this to work to its fullest potential, you need to make sure to single out two chicks who are basically inseparable. You shouldn’t have a problem spotting a decent amount of teary-eyed heart-to-hearts between besties, because women are all about making closure.
Pull one of the girls aside and wax poetic about how you’ve always had a thing for her, but have always been too afraid to make a move. Until now, because we only have a few more hours to live, and YOLO, right? Because it’s the end of the world and all, she’ll for sure be down for a romantic rendezvous. Wham, bam, thank you, Pam. Or was it Sam? Doesn’t matter, because before you even have time to say “post-coital,” you’re rushing off to the best friend for Round 2.
For the advanced degenerate, this process can also be done with large groups of girls, but to pull it off, you’ll need a slick tongue like Billy Shakespeare and a dick game like Peter North.
Go out of your way to let people know that there is no God.
It’s less than an hour until it’s the end of the world as we know it, and everyone’s getting all sorts of kumbaya. Saying their last goodbyes and praying to whatever god they believe in. This is when you come in hot with lines like “religion is just a social construct,” etc. Be sure to pull up YouTube on your phone and treat everyone to a plethora of Bill Maher and Neil deGrasse Tyson clips.
Pray for forgiveness just in case there actually is a God.
The countdown begins. 30, 29, 28…. Suddenly, you realize that maybe you should hedge your bets on the whole God’s not real thing. There is a chance that he could be, and then you’d definitely be fucked. To avoid potential eternal damnation, just look up to the sky, throw out a quick “I’m sorry,” and join in on the apocalypse countdown..