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The Daydrinker’s Manifesto

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We will not allow our precious and beautiful springtime daylight hours go to waste. While the weather is gorgeous, and we are young and able-livered, we solemnly commit to spend as many hours as possible boozing our asses off before sunset. We are not sure why, but for some reason that ice cold cheap pilsner of yore tastes even better in the sunshine.

We may spend these daydrinking hours at a pool, or bar, or even in our own backyard…anything can be a good excuse to day drink if you think about it long enough. March Madness? Daydrinking. Turned in your homework? Daydrinking. Didn’t get run over by a longboarder on campus? You better believe we’re daydrinking.
The strongest among us will rise to the challenge, and continue the alcohol induced sloppiness long past happy hour, though the weak may falter and power nap. Regardless of the outcome, each and every daydrinking binge ends with the same thought: “We should fucking do that more often.”

We will often create escalating dares when we daydrink, as the sunlight hours are clearly the ideal time to be taking risks. “You won’t finish that quadruple,” quickly turns into “You won’t play five straight Celine Dion songs on the jukebox,” and eventually “You won’t drag DG’s anchor across campus naked singing the national anthem.” But you will, because an inherent quality of daydrinkers is that they’re not pussies.

Sports and daydrinking go together like Dwight Howard and Bipolar Disorder. Even the most insignificant of 13-seeds become your basketball messiah, as you drunkenly praise each time the Bumfuck State Fighting Retards miraculously make contact with the basket. Casual betting is also rampant at this point, from the mundane (“I bet they beat the spread”) to the outrageous (“I bet number 24 goes down in the fourth with a high-ankle sprain”). Daydrinking often tends to be a very easy way to lose money.

But is it truly money lost? While your precious daylight hours could have been spent on something far more insignificant like class, doctor’s appointments, or masturbation, you instead chose to rise up to the proverbial challenge. While others slept or jerked it or actually provided a service to society, you decided to get drunk to the point where morals are an absolute afterthought.

We are the daydrinkers. We will not “slow down” or “take it easy” just because you’re upset we show up at 6:00 flipping tables over for the sheer thrill of it. We will succumb to peer pressure, and never let our brothers drink alone. We will order a double whiskey drink at the bar just to get started on the right foot. Others may despise our tomfoolery, but we press on. We are the daydrinkers, and we like to party.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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