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The Dapper Dipper on Dating

For the most part, people in college and especially the Greek world have pretty skewed expectations of what dating actually means. Maybe it’s the culture of sorority girls trying to find Mr. Right competing with fraternity guys behaving like…well, fraternity guys. Either way, people have all of these lofty expectations of what college dating is supposed to be, but to be quite honest I want to shake them until that fuse blows. That being said, I want to air some misconceptions about dating in the Greek community that everyone should know.

Going On Dates With Someone Doesn’t Mean You’re Exclusive

Imagine walking into a steakhouse, ordering a Delmonico, and being told the text time you walk into the place that you can only have the Delmonico from now on. This is how some people think dating/sex works. When you go on a date with someone it is to get to know them. Also, let’s cut the bullshit and admit that sex is just as important to figuring out if you want to be in a relationship and can definitely be a deal breaker. Figuring this out can’t happen over one meating (see what I did there?). How are you supposed to commit to something you just found out about? Sure, the Delmonico is a fine piece of meat. It has all the right fat in all the right places and tastes great, but that bacon wrapped filet that’s trim around the edges with a fake-tit…I mean bleu cheese topping looks pretty good too. The only time you should ever assume you are exclusively dating someone is if that person says so. Otherwise they are more than likely still playing the field. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s college dating, you are supposed to figure out what you like… (*coughs*) anal (*coughs*).

Long Term and Long Distance is Feasible

No. It’s not. The long term-long distance debacle is typically a freshman’s folly, but can still manage to entrap the best of us. Most of the time it plays out when a freshman still has a boyfriend or girlfriend back home when they go off to college. The expected happens. One party goes Greek, the girl/guy “discovers” that there are way hotter/better/nearer people at school than back home, and they break up. But sometimes the couple is split geographically because they go to different schools. This is a mistake. Yeah, that girl you met at a rival school sorority’s dirty pirate hooker grab-a-date is really cool and hot as hell, but trying to be more than a “hey I’m in town let’s ‘catch up’ ” thing is not going to work out well. First of all, you are Greek. Any given night, a parade of bombshells is going to be running through your local watering holes or house. In that situation, having a girlfriend who you only see a few times a semester is like placing a plate of T-bones in front of a chained up dog… except the chain is hundreds of miles away and completely useless at stopping him. The second reason why the long term-long distance arrangement doesn’t work is the other person is in college too. You think that dime-piece doesn’t run into a million guys who look and act just like you every night? Don’t be so naïve, sailor. Summers and breaks are one thing, but trying to keep that boat floating for four years isn’t going to be pretty. Cut your losses, end it early, and find something more convenient. Otherwise, you should get used to figuring out what other dude’s dicks taste like second hand.

Convenience is NOT a Good Reason to Stay Together

I know I just said that you should find something more convenient than a long distance relationship, but that’s about where convenience stops. So often I see people that stay with another person just because breaking up would be a hassle. For the life of me, I don’t understand it. These people would rather be fucking MISERABLE in a relationship than call it off and try something new…and it’s all because of inconvenience. “You don’t get it man, all my stuff is like…at her place…and I’d have to get it, and she’s not really that bad.” One, shut the fuck up. Two, NOT THAT BAD? You are cool with everything just being NOT THAT BAD?! Are you kidding me? Saying that is equivalent to waving a fucking white flag when it comes to life. What are you, French? This is America, motherfucker. Of course breaking up is inconvenient, SO WAS PLEDGING. If it means that you are going to have a better life afterward, what the hell are you complaining about? Nut up, break up, and go get your shit from her house. Quit letting fear run your life, patsy.

Closure Is Not Real

For some reason, a lot of people always feel that the end of a relationship needs some kind of closure. Whether it is Hollywood’s lack of originality, Disney’s constant “Happily Ever After” motif, or every individual’s need to constantly self-validate, one thing is for sure; closure isn’t fucking real. It’s truly remarkable that people believe there are some magic words that will make you feel better when you’ve been dumped by another person. Sorry folks, some shit just sucks. Ladies, you throw fits when your guys say the wrong thing about how you look, why the hell do you think a conversation is going to fix the fact that a guy doesn’t like you anymore? Everyone knows what “I need closure” means. It means “I want you to think really hard about if you are going to leave me, and if you don’t change your mind afterward I’m still going to be looking for closure.” That’s it. Life isn’t a fairy tale, people get together and people break up. No narrator is going to come in and make it all better with an anecdote. Grow the fuck up.

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jakewgoldman

Grandex Marketing Manager, Snack Enthusiast, Lover, Gator. Co-Host of the Inside TFM Podcast.

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