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The Civil War II: North Frats vs Southern Fraternities, Parts 3-6

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Guys, judging from the comments, I’d say that last article went pretty well. Though, I’d like to point out a serious issue I have with a few of the commenters on this board. I’m pretty disgusted by the Uncle Toms that like to talk about how “even though they’re from the North, they know the South is superior.” There hasn’t been a more transparent grab for ‘nice moves’ since StuffFratPeopleLike wrote about his hatred for high waisted shorts after we already agreed they were overrated. Are you also the guy who hangs out at the sorority house long after everyone else left to talk to some poor wounded bird about how “you don’t understand men, either?” Have a little pride, assholes. No matter how you feel about the situation, you don’t turn your back on the place that brought you up. Take a cue from the Midwesterners, who came out in droves to defend their home turf. They didn’t care that they were using Chicago as the only example of the Midwest’s cultural and historical significance (like pointing out the only hot chick in a sorority of Buscemi look-a-likes) because they claw and kick and do whatever it takes.

All joking aside, though, there was some serious anger at the comments I made about the Midwest; specifically that…I was hyperbolic for the sake of comedy (with questionable success), but what I was really getting at was that the Midwest is not allowed to disassociate themselves from the North and standoff on the sidelines, blaring John Mellencamp from their ivory perch. Those John Candy (male AND female) lookalikes are an intrinsic necessity in the argument, in fact MORE important than the Northeast to the North’s chances here, since there are far more get-down colleges located in the Heartland. Take the Midwest out and by definition it’s no longer The North, and what’s left doesn’t stand a chance against the powerful South.

On a personal note, I spent a large part of my childhood at my grandparents’ in Pure Michigan, and there’s a few things I realized: Midwesterners lack pretension, self-aggrandizement, and the kindness they exude isn’t the aggressive theatre they try to sell you in the South. It’s genuine interest. And while I still believe the Midwest lacks the history, culture, and cuisine of some of the coastal regions (Seriously, it’s practically science. History starts where the boats land, you guys), it’s clear that Midwesterners exist in spite of all that by delivering the finest interpersonal experience on Earth. That’s why the schools are so fun. I’d call it America’s greatest region if not for their women stuffing their fat faces all the time with cheese, and, of course, the existence of Indiana. So, after I celebrate the best of the Northeast tonight by eating falafel with a hot chick in pleather pants, perhaps I’ll dream of the sun glimmering off a glassy Lake Michigan and the softest sand I’ve ever felt.

Which is a long way of saying: North vs. South, all in. Lets do this.


This one is tough because it seems that the collared shirt/Sperry/khakis/hat uniform was created by some southerner. Now he lives with his billions on a Sperry shaped yacht getting serviced by a harem of Lilly Pulitzer clad blondes. The problem is, EVERYONE in the south wears that look and it’s hurting one of the most important members of every fraternity, the fat guy. Every fraternity has a fat guy, every single one, and he’s meant to roam free and unhindered by the constraints of a tucked in shirt and a belt. He’s meant to have a personality and wear t-shirts that say “I’m anorexic” or “Hoof Hearted.” There’s nothing sadder than the fat guy looking as uncomfortable as the eight year old who had to dress up for church. One thing about the North, their fat guys are dressed like fat guys. This lends to a diverse house that makes it easier not to rush an Asian.

Winner: North


Both the North and the South have nice houses. This category isn’t about the nice ones, it’s about the bad ones that bring down the average (no “hot sorority” has a pledge class with a 1 in it). When you walk around a “bad house” in the South you think, “I could make this work.” When you walk (step over old TVs) around a “bad house” in the North you think, “How many women do they have chained downstairs?” The South takes this one because if they get a paper cut in their living room they aren’t worried about getting TB.

Winner: South


Your traditions and how seriously your house takes them should make the fraternity experience MORE fun. They should be yearly events like a daylong party where you throw meatballs at everyone, with one pledge dressed as a meatball, called… The MeatBall.

A couple of years ago, when I went to the Carolina Cup, I decided to check out a southern chapter of my fraternity’s tailgate. I wanted to grab a beer, hang with the guys, and stare too long at their chicks. You know, dude stuff. When I got there, I was asked six different times for a handshake I couldn’t remember (sorry I’m an adult with porn website passwords to remember). I get that you have to protect yourself from getting screwed. But six times? We could have been rocking the tailgate asking girls for vagina handshakes. We could have been having fun. The South has some of the best traditions, but they seem to grab onto them even to the detriment of their good time. Squeeze a puppy too tight and it’s head pops off like a champagne bottle. Then, all you’re left with is a dead puppy blood fountain (aka a boner) and a group of men all wondering what to talk about at chapter.

Winner: North


This is a slam dunk for the South. Those girls have looks, sophistication, charm, and that look in their eye that says “I’d drink this whiskey from my sorority sister’s butthole.” The only reason I want to bring this up is because I’d like to point out that the collegiate women in the North apparently all collectively decided to wear different colored garbage bags to class. There’s a weird game theory move going on there, and when a girl decides to wear something that couldn’t be mistaken for a barrel with straps, all the other broads turn into catty bitches. If you are a girl from the North reading this right now, your hoodie looks as bad as it did when you wore it to bed last night. You’re not adorable. You’re lazy.

Winner: South

Overall Score: North: 3 South: 3


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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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