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The Civil War II: North Frats vs Southern Fraternities, Felina

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“In the war of the Internet, the commenter is the pussy who dodges it in Canada and keeps complaining about America.” – Jared Freid, Dude Site Contributor, Frequent Masturbator.

Honestly, this whole series started as kind of a joke. The “Part 1 of 9” was funny to me but I didn’t realize you couldn’t read my tongue planted in my cheek. In college I had a few nicknames: “J-Train,” “Medium Peen,” and most crucially for this instance, “Enjoy 2 Annoy.” That last nickname is why we are here, finishing this thing that I never thought I’d finish. When I saw how outraged the comments were in response to some of the categories I selected, I knew only one thing: it had to go on. I had to see this thing through. This was my Vietnam.

But first, of course, a story: My fraternity would frequently party with another house on campus and whenever we’d go there I’d tell all of their pledges I was an alumni and order them around. I’d unscrew light bulbs and tell them “I paid for these fucking things” before smashing them on the ground. They’d follow me everywhere with a broom and a dustpan. I thought it was hilarious. You know who else thought it was funny? The guys who were actually in the house (except for the house manager – he was pissed).

Now, I know a few of you out there are immensely offended by this – a disrespect of the sacrosanct “Fraternity,” the most holy of institutions. If so, know this: I’m not writing for you. To me, you’re just a third string linebacker head-butting a locker. Here’s the thing: I see my time in a fraternity as a cocoon within which I could make the best friends of my life and have the best time of my life. The fraternity was a means to an end, not the end itself. And If you believe your fraternity is an infallible institution that must be regarded with utmost respect, I have to wonder, for whom are you demanding respect? The fraternity? The actual physical building? Or perhaps an ideal? I doubt it. Ultimately, my guess is you’re demanding respect for yourself. Unfortunately, those who ask for respect are never the ones who earn it. So keep shouting from behind your keyboards, nerds. I love it. It gives me the most boners. And I’ll just keep walking around TFM, smashing light bulbs, having a laugh with the guys who remember what’s important: we’re all here to have a good time.

Now that I have that off my chest, There were over 500 comments on the “Civil War II” series. Here are some of my favorites with my own commentary. Some angry, some funny, all incredible:

There is nothing racist about wanting to the south to win. The Civil War wasn’t about slavery, it was about states rights.
Actually, the whole war started over Tariffs. The North made the money of the sweat of labor in the south. The industrial revolution was making things expensive up north, Lincoln tried tax tariffs at triple what they were at the time. This caused SC to secede first and then the rest is history. Lincoln’s escape goat …

– You had me! I was almost on the “slavery wasn’t the whole story” train. Then “escape goat” happened. And now EVERYTHING has changed. The whole world is different now that there’s a person out there who thinks the term is “escape goat.” Anything you say or will say about the civil war is now funny. You could be like, “My mom’s mom’s mom’s mom was brutally killed by slaves who she treated nicely and even paid on occasion during the civil war.” And I’d respond by saying, “She should have rode off on her escape goat.”

Horrible comparison between a northern kegger and a southern tailgate. Obviously nothing that crazy happens in broad daylight with children and police around. Come to the house after the game… That’s a different story. Everyone I’ve ever met from up north says there isn’t even a comparison. South is better by a country mile.

– If you don’t party in front of children, you don’t party.

Consider me another northern fraternity man (from PA too no less) who can attest to the superiority of southern fraternities (and especially sororities.) I had friends in Greek life in the south. I had female friends in Greek life in the south. Good lord it’s different.

– You’re the France of this website. Keep rolling over, pussy. The rest of us will stand tall for our homes.

South>Midwest>North. There are no similarities between the Midwest and your gay northeast

– “We’re 2nd place!!!!” – This Guy

A fat guy dressed in chinos, a polo, and sperrys is far more acceptable than a fat slob resembling jabba the hut in style
>>> WahooWill – As an admitted fat brother of my alum fraternity I agree with you completely. I would rather wear Sperrys, khakis, and a nice button down shirt or polo vs… wearing gym shorts and a baggy t-shirt…

– If this conversation actually happened, it would be the saddest conversation ever seen between two fat people. Even sadder than the one that preceded it about the merits of ranch in lieu of bleu cheese.

Unless you have some bullshit categories that favor the north like “fist pumping” or “most diverse,” then this should be a sweep. Don’t mess this up you Yankee fuck.

– This guy’s congressman must love his letters.

Fuck Skateboarders
I’m pretty sure I speak for all the Northerners when I say we don’t give a fuck if we’re superior in greek life compared to the south.

– But skateboarders!??!?!?!!? TONS OF FUCKS GIVEN!

Billy Mays
Fuck Kanye West

– Finally, some normality and level headed conversation.

We all play for the same team in the end

– Congratulations on coming out of the closet! Your boyfriend is proud.

Its a TFM
1) Go to the US News & World Report rankings of national universities.
2) Count the number of southern schools in the top 50
3) Compare that to the number of non-southern schools in the top 50
4) Take a step back
5) Literally fuck your own face

– How do I fuck my own face? Wouldn’t this be a girl sitting on my face? Why do I need to take a step back before fucking my own face? What’s going on in sex these days?

Honestly, only thing I care about is who breeds more Republicans. South.

– This sounded like a comment written by an Alien who somehow has control over all of the Republican offspring.

Frattios and sperrys
Fuck California and Fuck Kara

– Agreed

Stop trying to put the Midwest in the same boat as the northeast you fucking piece of shit. You’re only doing it because there’s not even decent Greek life where you’re from.

– Sorry I was just trying to help the midwest bring down it’s average BMI.

Freid, you’re fucking high.

– I actually write these drunk. Also, we used to call the Delta Pi house “Harlem” because no girls wanted to stay there.

As someone who goes to school in the Midwest, just keep us out of the whole debate.

– This is the guy who sees his buddy in a fight and walks into the other room like he never saw it happen.

Jtrain, you need to go to a field party in the spring at an SEC school.

– Absolutely. Tweet me @jtrain56

Give the South their partying ability. We’ll take the higher incomes.
>>> LambdaChiFratpha – Nebraska is a shit hole.

– I saw a guy get “one punched” at a party. That’s when you get punched and immediately fall to the gorund. “Fratterhusker just got internet “one punched.”

Yeah because at our Southern parties we just sit around and sip bourbon quietly. Absolute bullshit the South has better parties we have more funds, hotter girls, and better places to party

– I like you because you said “more funds.” Nothing is dumber when you think about it. But nothing sounds more awesome when you yell it at someone during a drunken frat fight. You chose the wrong venue, GA Boy. Use this line again but only when people have made themselves half-retarded with booze.

This guy sucks
The Clit Whisperer
You are a retard.
Seriously don’t bother with the rest of this. You don’t know shit about the south or SEC schools just give it a rest.

– You guys are lucky I’m really into sadomasochism. This hurt so good.

Where do Northerners go for spring break?

– Well Klits, usually it’s Mexico or Florida. Always open to questions from anybody openly referring to themselves as “Klits.” Good luck this semester! Enjoy your sorority!

Mashholder Stu
Detroit is the motor city. You’re telling me that theres no history there?

– You’re right. I forgot about scenic Detroit. You should go there and ask someone at the Greektown Casino for directions to the horse and buggy tours of the city.

Sperrys in the Rain

– Where did you come from? You’re cute Northwest. Real cute thinking people are caring and stuff about your part of the country. Keep making the coffee and hang out like you’re really excited to be here.

So being a repulsive sloth that believes that destroying public property for shits and giggles is your definition of better partying? Were you raised by a pack of coyotes or something?

– Jews have been called worse things.

David Allan BROe
Getting weird. NF

– I don’t think he knows what “weird” means. This is coming from a guy who based his commenter name off of this guy:

I love this article, but you made some false statements about the Midwest. Specifically, you said that it had no mountains, so I’m assuming the Rocky Mountains are fake?

– They are only fake on the fake map you’re looking at that includes Colorado in the Midwest.

Oh a tie.. How very soccer of you.

– Talk about busting your commenter load. Let me finish man. Frat Masterson probably meets girls and says “What? No blowjob?” after he buys them a drink. Then he says, “Some people call me Frat Masterson. And by “some people” I mean, I call myself, Frat Masterson.”

Fratty Tartare
What kind of douche forgets their fraternity handshake? Besides a shit-head like Jtrain, who obviously pledged some bottom tier fraternity….

Slick Willie
The fact that you forgot the grip is pretty unforgivable. I couldnt forget mine even if I wanted to

Jon M Fratsman
How the fuck do you forget a grip? Really. It’s not that hard.

How about you go home and practice that handshake of your’s instead of trying to write a shit series of articles on a nonexistent debate. Who gives a fuck about style, you forgot one of the most important symbols of your fraternity’s brotherhood and tradition. Jog on Jtrain, this discussion is over.

How the flying fuck do you forget your god damn handshake and password? You have lost all credibility. This column makes Bacon and Dorn look like Einstein. You seriously should have been swallowed. The only way you forget something like that is if you were in DU or some fake fraternity that pledging is a cake walk in. And you wonder why we give you shit. I bet you have never actually been to the south.

you cant even remember a fucking handshake? yeah six times is a lot but you dont even know your own fucking handshake? goddamnit you are shitty

– These guys masturbate a lot. Like more than the average guy. Like while looking at a composite from the 50s. Because it’s not that they’re guys, it’s that their hair is combed “perfectly frat.”

When you live in the South, and are in a fraternity founded in the South… Tradition is everything. You lost me on that one. The south is the south because of its long lasting traditions.

Tradition! Tradition! tradition! Tradition!

The Sixth Year
Buying porn site password. NF.

– Who said they were purchased? Your Dad gave me his “Crafty Cuckold” account.

Had to take a stab at Indiana, huh? J Train, as much as you urge us to defend the states we reside in, you don’t seem to take much pride in living in New York. At least in Indiana I can talk to genuine people that are welcoming as opposed to the asshole Yankees of the Empire state.

– I had to take a stab but don’t worry, everyone in Indiana is going to be fine. They have a large layer of fat that can ward off any stabbings. And you’re right, I’m sure the workers at your local McDonalds are very welcoming when you get the second 20 piece.

ice cold frat
“…blaring John Mellencamp from their ivory perch.”
As you stare down at us from your ivory tower you little shit. Fuck the coastal regions cuisine and culture. We have methamphetamine and Hot Pockets.

– This guy’s awesome. Can we get him a weekly feature?

Tony Fratana
I’m not sure about the fat guy style comment. I’ve seen plenty of fat slobs in roll tide t-shirts, just stuffing their faces with grill meat. I actually saw a bunch of slobs in oxfords. Lots of fatties in Alabama.

– Thanks Tony Fratana! Now lets get a report on the Fat Chicks. Banana Hammock is reporting live from Ohio!

All Midwest girls are fat? Ohio State is the fittest college in America. Do some fucking research you spineless piece of shit

– Thanks for the report Banana! This just in! The whole state of Ohio is now looking for “fit chicks” unsuccessfully.

Dude seriously stop.

– This is the end. I promise. I’m not lying. This is the last one. I’m not going to come back with another one next week. I’m serious. I won’t do that to you. This isn’t like the 3rd time you rushed your Dad’s old house and didn’t get a bid. This is the last time you’ll have to go through this mess.

You suck. Also, Indiana is a great state. Pick on Wisconsin or something

– Ok Broseidon! Fine! How many people from Wisconsin does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to make fun of those fat, pathetic, sweatpants wearing, government subsidy getting, sister loving, losers from Indiana.

Really fucked this one up Jared Freid

– Stop commenting Mom!

Oh and who wins the Civil War II? The North. No good reason. I was just in the tank for them the whole time. Suck it.


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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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