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With school now at a close, students have left their last final with that million dollar question on their mind: Who is staying for the summer to party? With summer, comes the sun’s menstrual cycle, blanketing the Midwest with sweaty balls and American Flag sunburns. It’s important to wear something cool that also keeps you cool, and nothing does the job better than some Grade-A throwbacks. Take caution, though, because what, or who, you’re wearing can say a lot about the type of partier you are.
Kobe (8)/Iverson/Vince Carter
Alcohol preference: Domestic beers only
Starting off with some classics, these jerseys can typically be found on the “average Joe” of the fraternity. They’re casual, comfortable, and overall just there for a good time. Regardless of what they may or may not have done in the past (Kobe), they’re great at being acquitted, living in the moment, and throw down the meanest beer pong slam dunks. The downside with these jerseys is that you are more than likely going to run into someone with the same jersey, which I fully believe always constitutes a Bro-Sham-Bo. However, you’re also wearing the names of some of the greatest, and that is a moment worth sharing.
Tune Squad – Michael Jordan/Bugs Bunny
Alcohol Preference: Natty Light
I decided to go strictly Space Jam for the “movie athletes,” intentionally leaving out Jesus Shuttlesworth, as Ray Allen’s acting was so bad he convinced me that MJ was the next Daniel Day-Lewis. If you haven’t seen Space Jam before, I despise you. Also fuck you. It’s an American classic. Ask any person to name a sports movie that they repeatedly watched growing up and I guarantee you they either say The Sandlot, The Mighty Ducks, or the Jam in Space. These jerseys are worn by the young souls of the group. Somehow they have managed to take a childhood movie they love and incorporate it into their alcoholic lifestyle. These guys love to party and are very rarely seen letting the devil out of their stomach. If the Natty does get to them, they can always rehydrate with some of Michael’s secret stuff.
Larry Bird or Magic Johnson
Alcohol Preference: mix of vodka and keg beer
The rivalry. Sycamores vs. Spartans. Celtics vs. Lakers. Rural vs. Urban. White vs. Black. No two players in history have ever been more at each other’s throats. Each post-season game these guys played against each other has been featured in TIME magazine’s 100 greatest battles of history. If they aren’t then they fucking should be. Those who dare dawn these legendary jerseys have competition in their blood. To be beaten is to be shamed, and to be shamed is to be utterly pissed off. Next darty you go to where one of these jerseys gets beaten in pong, just watch for a Nolan Ryan beer can fastball to the side of the house along with a mean mug as he slams the door behind him to go “cool off” inside. After college is over, they may either disappear for a while only to make minor public appearances, or spend 20 years making sure my beloved Pacers don’t win a championship (damn you, Larry).
Karl Malone/Dennis Rodman/Charles Barkley
Alcohol preference: Any hard liquor will do
Watch out and get your cameras ready, because the man is a risk taker. A friend of mine, we’ll call him James, was an offensive lineman and always rocked the two-sizes-too-small Malone jersey. James was known to roam parties in said jersey with a fifth of Jack in one hand and Dr. Pepper in the other, the drink famously dubbed “the heart attack.” Guys like this weren’t necessarily “born to party” — they are more along the lines of born to drink. Make no mistake, though, these are the guys that bring life to the parties. The guys that aren’t afraid to Swanton bomb onto the pong table from the roof, puke and rally, then try to make out with your chapter president’s girlfriend. The bad part? What goes up, must come down. You will find them still passed out in your yard by 2 p.m. the next day, so be a good friend and mess with them. My favorite chant for waking up passed out James is “The Mailman did not deliver!”
LeBron James Miami Heat
Alcohol Preference: Doesn’t drink
Go change, you douchebag..