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The Art Of Subtweeting

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The Urban Dictionary definition of subtweet:

“It’s the shortening of “subliminal tweet” which is directly referring to a particular person without mentioning their name or directly mentioning them…

…Basically it’s talking about someone behind their back but sort of to the their face on Twitter!”

Speaking of Urban Dictionary, do NOT look up “Alabama Hot Pocket” on it. I’m serious, it’s not worth it. Some doors can never be shut, some images haunt you forever.

But I digress. Let’s discuss subtweeting. Subtweeting is an art form, a simple and sophisticated skill that one uses to be a passive aggressive, petty bitch. We’re all passive aggressive petty bitches from time to time, so there’s nothing wrong with indulging in some subtweet action once in a blue moon.

Wanna piss off a recent ex? A casual fuck buddy with whom things got sour? A good friend that ended up stabbing you in the back? But are you too much a giant oozing pussy to confront them directly? Well, subtweeting is for you, my friend.

But don’t get too cocky, big guy. Slow your roll and tread lightly, for subtweeting is some serious shit. It’s a complex art form that requires meticulous, professional perfectionism, and it must be respected as much. So grab your notebook and a pen and take some notes. Be patient, young grasshopper. Let me show you the ins and outs of the ancient tradition of subtweeting.

Here are some tips to get you started:

Don’t get too specific

The more specific it is, the less smooth it seems. Subtweets are supposed to be a mindfuck. Your tweet target is supposed to be irritated and confused when they read it. It’s gotta feel casual. You don’t wanna seem like you’re specifically putting effort into upsetting them, you’re supposed to make it feel like they’re not even important enough for you to specifically put effort into upsetting them. You’re just brushing them off, casually shooting out this random tweet. You don’t even give a fuck.

For example, if your ex cheated on you, don’t tweet some shit like “Why the fuck did you have to cheat on me, Karen?!?! #blessed.” Just tweet some shit like “I can’t believe you betrayed me like that, smh. #blessed.” A subtweet victim should never know FOR SURE if the tweet is about them or not. They’re supposed to think, “Is it about me?! Is it not about me?! AHHHH!!!” and jump out of a window or some shit.

Throw in some song lyrics

It’s 2016, dude. Society has slowly but surely morphed into a bunch of whiny, immature babies. We’re entitled, we hate everything, and our feelings get hurt way too easily. One of the many effects of this strong metamorphosis is that popular music is now perfectly constructed to be quoted in subtweets.

Drake is a good example. If you wanna piss off an ex or a shitty friend, tweet some lines from a Drake jam. If that’s not your bag, try some T-Swift on for size. Taylor Swift’s discography is packed to the brim with bitter gems to leave on the timeline for an enemy to see. Just bitchy enough to let them know you hate their guts, just generic enough that it can never be proven to be directed at anyone specific. It makes you look a petty little bitchboy AND it makes you look pop culture savvy. It’s like passive aggressively killing two birds with one emotional stone.

Eat a sub while you tweet


Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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