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This column is not an attack on SEC students, alumni, faculty, or families of the aforementioned. It’s not about them. It’s about the t-shirt fans. The droves of mouth breathing, jorts clad, opposing fan assaulting, dendrocidal, truck nuts and diabetes having ogres and ogresses who descend from the hills or crawl out of the swamps to remind the rest of the spectators in attendance at SEC games, who are seeking or have already sought higher education, that the only thing “college” about this football game is them.
And yes, it’s somewhat unfair to single out the SEC. Gross t-shirt fans exist from coast to coast (and not all t-shirt fans are gross!). God knows the Ohio States, West Virginias, and Florida States of the world have every bit the human landfill in their stands that any SEC school has. But on the whole, no other conference has the sheer concentration of these half-breeds (the other half is a pile of swamp mud and Zaxby’s wrappers a baby crawled out of after somebody humped it while drunk on whiskey twelve weeks prior) that the SEC does. These people did not go to the school they root for. They didn’t even come close. Dey jus lurve dem sum fewtbawl (or berskertbawl in Kentucky’s case). But these fans still probably have some sort of credentials. It could be a technical degree, or, more likely, it’s a t-shirt of dubious authority certifying them to inspect female bodies that they keep insisting on wearing to weddings. Let’s explore.
University of Arkansas
Actual Diploma: Wal-Mart Employee Sexual Harassment Seminar Certificate of Attendance
There’s only so long one can get away with smelling the absurdly large, almost medical in nature bras the hefty local Arkansas women tried on in the Wal-Mart dressing rooms but ultimately decided not to buy, or hitting on the 16-year-old, already pregnant cashier because you know for sure she puts out. But he did stay awake for almost the entirety of the VHS tape they played for him in the manager’s office, so credit where credit is due.
Actual Diploma: Texas Concealed Handgun License
A school’s tailgates won’t have been this strapped since late ’80s Miami.
Actual Diploma: 13 Baton Rouge Community College Course Credits segueing into an API Oilfield Training Program Certificate
If you wonder why everything in Baton Rouge smells like corndogs, it’s because a decent portion of their fans show up to the games covered in oil.
Actual Diploma: Sonic Drive-In Employee Hepatitis Vaccination Certification
The only test they were ever in danger of getting an A in.
Actual Diploma: Sonic Drive-In Hot Dog Eating Contest, 2nd Place Ribbon
Always the (shotgun wedding) bridesmaid.
University of Florida
Actual Diploma: A “Wingz U” Diploma from a 1995 Hooters Hula Bowl Promotion
Getting the diploma involved filling out a contest form at the restaurant, which the patron only requested in order to get more face time with the waitress, whom he was shamelessly hitting on with both overt sexual advances and humble brags about his landscaping business. To be fair, though, there’s a good chance he scored, especially if it was more of an “Ocala strip mall” Hooters and not one of those hoity-toity downtown Orlando Hooters.
University of Kentucky
Actual Diploma: Unaccredited Bible College Diploma
“I went to school right near UK.” – These people.
University of Tennessee
Actual Diploma: T-Shirt or hat with a knock-off Jack Daniels logo that says “Whiskey Expert”
Purchased at a gas station in a dry county.
Actual Diploma: Vanderbilt University Undergraduate or Graduate Degree
God bless you, Vanderbilt. You’re the only ones who do it right (in the stands, not on the field). The worst thing you can say about a Vandy fan is that the Commodores are their second favorite team, because the kid is a law student who went to something like Michigan or Stanford for undergrad.
University of South Carolina
Actual Diploma: Spartanburg BMW Factory HR Mandated 7 Week Workplace Diversity Training Course Certificate of Completion
You can’t bring your Confederate flag lunchbox to work anymore, Earl.
University of Missouri
Actual Diploma: Bud Light “Real Man of Genius” Certificate circa 2006
This wasn’t so much “earned” as it was crudely cut off the side of a 30-rack of Bud Light with a hunting knife and pinned to the wall over the dip-stained, deeply ass-grooved couch in front of the TV in the not-on-the-lake Ozark home of a man who looks like he was fired from the Double Deuce by Patrick Swayze’s Dalton in the first thirty minutes of “Road House.”
University of Alabama
Actual Diploma: Anger Management Course Completion Certificate
Court ordered and of questionable effect. Sort of a copout answer but also possibly the most solidly based in reality.
University of Georgia
Actual Diploma: Waffle House University 4-Day Management Training Diploma
The two things said most often at Waffle House University are “Go Dawgs” and “Repeat after me: Night managers do not have a key to the safe, but you may take what is in the register. Just please do not harm anyone, sir.”
Actual Diploma: Dog Obedience Course Certificate of Completion (as the dog)
I once watched a video of an Auburn fan eating a dead lizard covered in ketchup off of pavement. These people are animals..