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The ABCs Of Hooking Up In College

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Getting laid frequently and (relatively) easily is one of the best things about college. Everyone is generally there to learn and have a good time, both inside and outside of the classroom. Having lots of sex should be a goal in college, because once you get out into the real world, it’s sadly a comparative desert. You just can’t concentrate more people who are both single and interested in one of the many forms of naked mingling in one place, unless you go to Firefly, EDC, or one of the other many big concert festivals, which only last for a couple of days.

College is like a sex proving ground. You have four years to make it through boning boot camp, but how do you take your place in line at the four year buffet of bad decisions and learning experiences? Just know the ABCs of hooking up in college.

A is for anal. Give it up, kid. She probably isn’t going to be into it. If she is, put a ring on it or run away, depending on how you feel about butt stuff.

B is for blow jobs. Blow jobs are fucking awesome, but any wet-behind-the-ears freshman could tell you that. Girls fall into one of three camps on them: never, with some convincing, or they love them. Find one of the last category and you find nirvana.

C is for condoms. Sadly, they’re probably mandatory unless you want to spend enough time down at the school health clinic to get an honorary medical degree in sexually transmitted infections.

D is for drunk. Drunk sex is a lot like a train wreck: fast, dangerous, and likely to cause onlookers to flee in shock. Try to keep it classy enough so that a video of you going down on your lady friend doesn’t show up on YouTube.

E is for experience. It doesn’t matter freshman year, but by senior year you shouldn’t need a road map, GPS, compass, and spotter to figure out what you’re doing. It’s a biological imperative, not rocket science.

F is for fingering. This is your most basic technique other than going balls deep, which you shouldn’t do right off the bat, because disappointing sex doesn’t tend to bring a girl back for a second round.

G is for G-spot. Find it. It’s not hard.

H is for handjobs. These are the sexual participation trophy. No one likes them, you feel bad for people who get them and honestly, they just reward mediocre performance.

I is for improvise. If she asks you whether you’d like to come back to her house for drunk food, your answer is always yes, even if you have an 8 a.m.

J is for juice. Ew, no, not what you were originally thinking, you sick son of a bitch. I mean hydrate. If you aren’t hydrated, you’ll be done so fast that “confusion” will be the emotional buzzword of the night.

K is for kissing: first base, foreplay, and so on. If you didn’t figure this out in high school, there’s still (very little) hope for you yet.

L is for looking good. If you leave your place trying to meet new people and you look like a homeless man, chances are your success rate will be lower than the Redskins’ chances of winning a Super Bowl in my lifetime.

M is for mustache rides. Advanced technique. Very dangerous. Requires a mustache. Don’t try this one without proper preparation and an ambulance team on standby.

N is for Netflix. It will be a better wingman than most of your fraternity brothers ever could be at 3 a.m., and it has the bonus of not trying to bone the same girl as you.

O is for orgy. These don’t actually happen in college, unless you join one of those weird groups on campus like the marching band. I’m told that’s a thing with them. Fucking band geeks, man.

P is for porn. Don’t watch it with your roommate, around your lady friends, or in the library, please. If people see you whackin’ in the stacks, your credibility approaches zero and your chances of getting expelled explode.

Q is for questionable hookups. Just know one night, when the whiskey flows freely and the world becomes hazy, you might bone a hard two. Be mentally prepared for the fallout.

R is for ride. Catch a ride home from a party, via pledge, Uber, or some other method. For some reason, something about having another person drive you both home seems to cause girls to spontaneously attack your face with their mouths.

S is for sex. I don’t have to explain this one, I hope.

T is for time. Keep it reasonable, champ. Less than five minutes is probably a bad thing, but a few hours might make her turn on the TV out of boredom.

U is for unprotected. Going raw dog, while obviously the preferred form of boning, is probably a bad idea. It’s like Russian roulette with your dick. Except instead of dying, you get the clap.

V is for vagina. Rumor has it, they have magical powers.

W is for wait. Timing is everything. If she gives you her number, go by the 18-hour rule at the least before starting a long conversation. You don’t want to come on too strong.

X is for eXcellent sex playlists. Yes, I broke the alphabet. Sue me. Having a good playlist is key to making sure the mood is set and the neighbors don’t beat down your door because of the noise.

Y is for “yes.” All joking aside, make sure you get consent.

Z is for zygote. AKA a baby. Don’t make any of these in college, because it kind of ruins all your plans.

Got that, kids? Sex in college. It’s as simple as ABC.

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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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