Ah, music festivals. Live music in blistering temperatures, pooping in small plastic boxes, and amazing-feeling but conclusion-less sex on molly with strangers in tents. Last weekend, the Grandex crew headed to Austin City Limits with backpacks full of TFM and TSM beer sleeves, Rowdy Gentleman t-shirts, and weed for three-days of popular music, shameless self-promotion, and general weirdness.
The music was solid. The dude from Twenty One Pilots climbed like 10 stories up the stage’s scaffolding, which was pretty badass.
I saw Drake, too. Homie’s got lots of hits, but he definitely didn’t “start from the bottom.” He tries to make it sound like he rose up from the mean streets. Please. The guy was a child actor. He did play a wheelchair-bound cripple, though, so I guess he did technically start from the bottom.
I also peaced out on The Weeknd to see The Strokes. I pity anyone who missed out on one of the greatest rock bands of all time for that flavor of the week with a palm tree on his head.
I imagine The Weeknd was at the barber shop looking at the headshots of hairstyles available.
The Weeknd: “That’s the one.” *points to photo of Hawaii with a palm tree on the beach*
Barber: “I’m sorry, sir. That’s not a hairstyle. That’s just a postcard my nephew sent me.”
The Weeknd: “I SAID. THAT’S THE ONE.”
But even more entertaining than anyone onstage was the eclectic smorgasbord of people who came from all over the place to partake in the festivities. This is what we saw.
1. Raver Chicks
It’s easy to spot the raver chick: neon bra and panties, fishnets, furry go-go boots, and hair twisted into double ponytails with streaks of blue or pink. It’s also easy to hear a raver chick coming, as they’re essentially the “Woo!” girls of music festivals. If you’re trying to grind, patrol the vicinity of an EDM show until you see or hear one of the two aforementioned raver chick calling cards.
Overheard at ACL: “Deadmau5’s music LITERALLY speaks to me.”
2. Frat Bros
Characterized by a sea of fists pumping in unison beneath a flag with letters on it, frat bros can be found patrolling the vicinity of EDM shows looking for raver chicks, who they realize are just sorority girls playing dress-up for the weekend.
Overheard at ACL: “Does the carpet match the drapes?” (to rave girl with pink hair)
3. Fake Hippies
Or, as they prefer to call themselves, “Bohemian.” These are your typical, progressive-minded college girls who like to think of Generation Y as “the new wave of the hippy movement.” They kind of dress like hippies, but they smell way too good to be the real deal. Fake hippies are eager to talk about the time they “built” houses in Africa (I say “built,” because half the time the villagers rebuild that shit while the college kids are asleep, true story), or show you the latest drawing they uploaded to Instagram (Hint: it’s of a dandelion blowing in the wind. The seeds turn into birds).
Overheard at ACL: “You HAVE to study abroad. It really broadened my perspective on a lot of things.”
Translation: “I developed a false sense of entitlement after spending a month looking at famous European landmarks with a group of 10 other American college kids.”
The girl hoola-hooping with both arms in the air to expose her dense croppings of pit hair. Full head of dreadlocks. Often topless, either blasting some nips or covering them up with pasties. I once met a hippy girl named Earth. She gave me what she called a “candy” bracelet, but it wasn’t made out of candy, it was made out of beads that spelled “L-O-V-E.” Thanks, Earth.
Overheard at ACL: “The cat is my spirit animal. Either cats or The Weeknd’s hair.”
5. Guy Tripping Total Ball Sack
The guy who took a lot of something hallucinogenic and probably should have taken less.
Overheard at ACL: “I feels like I’m peeing right now. Have you ever looked at your hands?”
The young professionals who break their typical night-off routine – a dinner of salmon and Irish beer at their favorite restaurant – by venturing into the wild world of music festivals. They will be home by 6.
Overheard at ACL: “My feet hurt.”
7. Young Parents
After seeing a hippy couple that was – ahem – expressing their love in a very public manner, the young parents regret their decision to bring little Bobby along.
Overheard at ACL: “You see, Bobby, when two people love each other very much…”.