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So the cops raided the bar you were in, saw you take your fake ID out of your wallet and slide it across the floor, and slapped a pair of handcuffs on your wrists. Thought you could get away with underage drinking, did ya? You disgust me. It’s off to the drunk tank with you and the other scabs on society. Your friends won’t roll out of bed and pick your sorry ass up until noon tomorrow, so you’ll have plenty of time to think about what you did with these seven usual suspects.
1. The Really, Really Drunk Kid
Everyone in the pale, dingy cell is drunk, but this guy is on another level entirely. He reeks of vomit. His knees are bloody. And there’s a dark stain running down the side of his pant leg. While everyone else is wallowing in sorrow about how they’re going to tell their parents or afford a lawyer, this kid is still completely unfazed. He’s bouncing off the walls, dry-humping the air, and shouting at everyone else to “quit bein’ a buncha bitchess and less turn tha fuggup!” He walks over to the bench, drops trou, and takes a shit on the seat, completely ignoring the toilet on the other side of the room. The force required to pass the burden seems to tire him out, however, as he curls up in a ball right next to the steaming pile and passes out (true story, btw).
2. The Brat
This kid is going places, and he wants everyone else – especially his arresting officers – to know it. He’s been mouthing off like a broken record player since the cops threw him into the back of the paddy wagon. “How much do they pay you to bust college kids, huh? I’ll be making six figs when I graduate!” “You pieces of shit – someday I’ll run this town!” “Do you even know who my dad is!?” It’s a pathetic sight, but don’t feel too bad for him. He’s fully covered for this arrest as well as the next five. Turns out he wasn’t lying about his pops.
3. The Pre-Law Kid
The Pre-Law kid never hesitates to spout off his semester and a half worth of expert legal counsel. Hell, he wound up here because his buddy was getting arrested and he started yelling at the cop about Miranda rights. The entire night, he’s an open law book. Well, more like an open law Google search. “Y’all never breathalyzed me – you have no grounds to make this arrest!” “This police force should change their tactics from hot spot surveillance to violent offender deterrence strategies.” “There has to be a suspicion of crime!” he says with white powder salting the rims of his nostrils.
4. The World-Weary Businessman
This was his one night away from his nagging wife, and now he’s spending the remainder of it with a bunch of aggravating, drunk-ass college dudes. Still dressed in a suit and tie, he sits in the corner of the cell, rubbing his balding head and dreading the world of hurt the missus will soon unleash upon him. “I’m too old for this shit,” he mumbles to himself.
5. The Fake Tough Guy
This angry college gym bro thinks he’s been pulling power moves since the heavy metal door was slammed behind him, but really, he just looks like a child throwing a temper tantrum. He shadow boxes the wall, sticks his face in the small window and screams at the cops, then hits the deck and busts out a few push-ups. When the jailor brings him his tray of slop, he chucks it against the wall in an act of defiance. Just let him tire himself out. He’ll be fine as long as he doesn’t get too close to…
6. The Real Tough Guy
Prison tats. A bandana. A ratty undershirt that might as well say “I beat my wife” and an expression that says “I felt nothing while I did it.” Unlike the rest of you, this dude is in here for a real crime. Maybe assault and battery. Maybe possession of crack with intent to sell. You don’t know. All you know is that you do not want to cross this guy, let alone make eye contact with him. Funny how they throw drunk college kids in a small room with violent and unpredictable people like this, then lock the door behind them.
7. The Schizophrenic Vagrant
What’s this guy in for? Beats him. He was just trying to catch the dragon that stole his clothes and flew into a nearby 7-11. By the way, did you know Bush did Easter? No time to explain. He’s gotta get the crystal to the underground mole people before the summer solstice. Here, take his shoe and wait for the signal..